Alas, they have vibrated the one type of asphalt that is forbidden

Did not expect my afternoon at work to be consumed by drama over vibrators* but here we are


*the vibration function on a steamroller

Parental instinct is a hell of a drug- anything disgusting that comes out of my child seems only as quarter as gross as it would be coming out of anyone else

I have bleached as much as I could the last two days but there's only so much you can do with the tornado of a 3 year old in the house

3/4 members of the family have been hit and now I've got a norovirus Sword of Damocles hanging over my head

Setlist for murdering a bunch of 30something white girls on a dance floor: Cupid shuffle, electric slide, YMCA, Macarena, Pink Pony Club back to back

My thighs are on fire

Update: chocolate cakes are in the oven, bless the recipe on the Hershey's cocoa tin

Day 1, Hour 2 of solo parenting weekend: the 3 year old is living down to every stereotype about her age that exists. She believes "independent play" is a crime against children. 5 year old wants nothing to do with his sister in this state and wants to make a chocolate cake from scratch at 8 AM

My coworker who was so shocked doesn't cuss but has threatened to fist fight a contractor soooo

I don't regret saying it at all, especially because it was a public safety risk (a badly set up construction zone lane closure)

My professional vocabulary failed me today and I angrily told a contractor to unfuck something

My boss and coworker who heard were like 😳😳

Charcoal grill!

The loss isn't going to be realized for a couple more days and the contractor is planning to pass the loss on to the subcontractor who actually made the screw up

The phone call didn't even end up being contentious, mostly because my contractor hasn't done the math and doesn't realize it is an $80k mistake. I didn't care to enlighten him

No one actually calls it tavern tho, it's just "pizza"

Boss: do you want me to be there for (contentious phone call with the contractor)? I think you've got it handled

Me: I've got it- unless you hear me start cussing

Noooooooo

I get quite enough of that at work, honey

My 3 YO decided she wanted to take sips of bathwater and spit them into a bottle and she perfectly mimicked the posture of a dude with a dip spit bottle 🤮

Oh shit!

Thanking every possible deity that this didn't happen on the stretch of highway I am currently in charge of

I recently looked for a place to buy dry ice and it's one of many modern conveniences not available in Mississippi

a round cheese board with nine different cheeses and various jams and also some salami

Happy Friday to @envirojules.bsky.social and me

Jokes from the kindergartner:

Hey mom, I know what 33 plus 34 is!

Me: oh yeah?

Him: sixty seven....siiiix seeeeven

Faine you are my people

We should find a way to shred a table full of all you can eat blue crabs together someday (one of the top culinary experiences of my life)

I am having fond flashbacks to our early days of dating with the Tron poster and space nudes

College me was deeply impressed that your poster was in a frame

I'm going with kid in the hospital= free pass

He has a radio show with his business partner Odie who is involved with the fire department somehow, Odie gets all the hot tips

Scotty Ray is mostly the one who has such gems as "the Naked Man is out again on Hills Street" and "escaped goat alert, route around Whatever Road"

Okay but legitimately ours is called Queen City Social, and also Scotty Ray the Facebook ambulance-chasing gossip hound