I don’t want to burst your bubbles or anything,, but I just don’t think your screen protector installation business is feasible.

There’s always one at the bottom of a bag of mini eggs that still has the feathers attached.

I am offering my photography services to you all.
I specialise in birds-eye-view photography.
I don’t use traditional lenses, all my photos are taken down the barrel of a hollowed out fish cake.

EDINBURGH FRINGE 2026

Hello 👋
I will be fringing this year (!) and bringing a split bill show with my pal Sean Barnham ! It’s going to be a lot of fun and you should probably definitely come along I’d say.

Here is a square of information and a blurb for you to gaze upon.

Today is shit for many of us for many reasons but I’ve decided to rebrand it so here are some really cool moths to cheer you all up this moth day.

Well, this is a tad bit bigger than the pub basements I’m used to.

Can't believe Hamnet has won this many awards considering the typo. #baftas

My wardrobe. The rail is full of green t-shirts, green shirts, green hoodies, green jumpers etc.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: huge fan of purple.

There was a normal non-ferret girl selling samples of haribo giant strawberries at the front of the store who thought they were hilarious but I guess it was one of those situations where you just had to be there.

Nah they’re all centred around a satsuma shop ran by ferrets.

I was on an absolute joke-writing-roll last night. Just one banger after another. But then I woke up to discover that it was all a dream and none of them abide by the laws of the waking world. Truly devastating.

It makes sense that Labour is a group of moles, because I do think I could be persuaded to whack them on the head with a mallet for less than £1 if given the opportunity.

A graphic listing all the gigs I’m doing over the next month. The image depicts me holding a microphone, standing next to a handwritten overlaid picture of my gig-list. The image has a green and red filter which is visually really captivating I wonder who did that.

Here are some places I’ll be and if you’re in those places and would like to be in the same place that I am also in you could do that if u want. Yeah.

Is being in a river as a duck the same as being on a travellator as a person?

🥺 thank you very much :))))))

Four comedians standing on a stage lit by purple light. (One of which is me, wearing a green shirt, green jumper and black trousers)

I just won the north east new act of the year award! And yes I’m absolutely only posting about this because this is the tallest I’ve ever looked in a photo.

Dear all comedians who write notes on their hands,
If you ask to borrow a pen from me, please don’t proceed to clog up the silky smooth ball-point of my sexy (£1.80) ultrafine uniball pen with your skin oils and debris.
The lack of respectable penmanship etiquette is truly abysmal these days.
Smh.

That is very interesting. Cheese lore is always welcome 😌

😂
I go past the primula cheese factory in the car every week (it’s the only primula cheese factory in the world !!) and it’s like seeing the Disneyland castle every single time 😌

I’d love to go on a road trip where I’d visit all the locations that cheeses are named after.
I think I’d be most excited for Leicester, Wensleydale, and my favourite region,, Dairylea Triangle.
I’ve heard that ships and planes often disappear under mysterious circumstances in Dairylea Triangle.

a stuffed monkey is sitting in front of a camera in a dark room ALT: a stuffed monkey is sitting in front of a camera in a dark room

This fella comes to mind..

I get that I'd probably benefit from multiple monitors but sitting at a desk hurts and I'd rather wait until they invent paper-like (kindle-ish?) monitors that I can pile up and shuffle around.

I think one of the worst things about getting older is that there's less work to do on paper and more work to do on the computer which (as someone with very poor object permanence) is pretty miserable because my motivation completely vanishes when my task is hidden behind 10 other open tabs.

probably not! :D

While this was going on, I was also a watch salesmen selling watches with 8 faces at a Chappell Roan concert. Except Chappell Roan wasn’t there because she had been replaced by a tank of sentient jellyfish communicating with the audience via a giant iPad.

I just woke up from a dream in which I was a journalist hired by Kris Jenner to write a piece about her facelift. The research involved a 4 hour interview with a capuchin monkey in a suit (he was the surgeon). Long story short, I asked too many insightful questions so he bit me and gave me rabies.

Old man from audience: I think you were too highbrow for this lot (football club audience) but me and my pal are academics and we loved it. He’s a doctor and I’m an undertaker.

Can I get this framed?

Sorry but this was worth more than two likes 😔
(Sincerely, someone who just returned from being the only female comic at a gig).

Brought to you by: currently gigging at a sports club full of bald heads.

Female stand-up comedian who is also a dyslexic cat: yeah it’s hard being the only feline on a maleup. But that’s the world we live in I guess.