Can’t wait for everyone to take my side after I post a video of me being completely unreasonable towards a service worker

Going to try and break the world record for most caffeine consumed in a single brunch shift

They know me as the rizzler the panther dressed in black

Can’t believe I invented being a chill, cool guy

Whispering “is this real” to myself every few minutes while watching Wicked in theaters

Give me the Skeet boys and free my soul, wanna get lost in the rock and roll and Skeet away…

Apparently saying, “where are all my skeet freaks at” is an arrest-able offense

“Oops, just now seeing this!” I say on duty as a life guard to a man screaming for help

Seeing a rumor being spread about me that I can bench press 300 lbs with my eye closed and my arms tied behind my back.

What the hell are you talking about !!!

If you close one eye and then get as high as you’ve ever been in your entire life the stars in the image below appear to move !

Me when WingStop closes an hour early for “maintenance”

Gotta be 2. His little hooves can’t reach 1.

This is how it feels going home for thanksgiving

Blue Man Group leaving Chicago feels like there’s finally room for my one man show “Beat Red from Being Stuck in Traffic for 2 Hours Guy”

Going to start saying crazy shit like this on the train

Can’t stop skeeting in the bathroom at work

What do you get the man who skeets it all?

Can’t say that sort of thing around here man

Tweets on BlueSky are called Skeets

Got 4 likes on my latest Skeet

Weird how I didn’t know about a single one of these

So glad minds like ours are becoming the norm on this platform

Dude! Haha yes!

Dabbing my 63 year old boss up and saying, “what’s up slime” as I show up an hour and a half late to work.

I’ve just come up with this.

Hawk Tuah spit on that thang.

People keep asking me when I’m going to box Jake Paul and I hate to tell you guys this but it already happened. In the summer of ‘06 he beat my ass outside of a TGI Fridays bc I kept putting my drinks on his tab. I was in the hospital for 6 months.

You have to find one person to kiss goodnight, every night.