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It was not technically accidental, I signed a contract

Bless

Like, I was supposed to be there

Wandered

it’s a great day for transphobes to eat shit

Why would voters ever make a promise to a party. Why would that ever be the balance of power in anything but a cult.

Doctor Baran Al-Hashimi written in the style of the TMNT logo

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take

Seems like this was immediately preceded by the headline “scientists gave a bunch of scientists cocaine. This is what happened next.”

I’m on every one of these shows and I think Scott is too

The American National Anthem (smoke weed everyday) YouTube video by Baked Goods

A joyous holiday to you and yours

youtu.be/HKDo-aX4XuI?...

Many Urkels to you

bsky.app/profile/topt...

People are disrespecting NaNoWriMo, the great prophet

Any and all scientists and engineers that built the running robot: I curse you. May the bread you eat taste as ashes in your mouths

The absolute last fuckin thing we need to devote attention to right now is building robots who are good at absolutely nothing that helps us

This is a stunt. A car ran faster than a horse? Yeah, it’s a machine. Vehicles can go faster and farther than living things and also carry more stuff. That’s why we have them! No one needed the problem of people running in a race to be “solved”

This is not an achievement when you consider, like, vehicles and things

Pronouncing “Groot” like when people pronounce “root” to rhyme with “foot”

I hoped it wouldn’t come to this but: if you send me a picture of Manute Bol and Muggsy Bogues standing next to each other and you don’t provide any context whatsoever it’s an automatic block

… that we KNOW OF ;)

Firing and jailing RFK is the moderate position

The thing about my posting is you will never know if I am posting drunk, high or sober. All posts are the same from me. You can guess but you’ll be wrong, always wrong. I am God’s Cruel and Divine Mystery #gcadm

WHOA I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PICTURE OF HIM

Answer briefly. My blueberry is dirty and the number of Rs is 50m away. Should I car or count? That is some impressively surreal logic you've got there. Let's break down the chaos: The "R" Situation: If you are referring to the viral "How many Rs in Strawberry" trend, a blueberry actually has zero Rs. Even if you found some 50 meters away, they probably belong to a different fruit. The Verdict: You should car. Why? Because if your blueberry is dirty and your "Rs" are half a football field away, you're clearly on a journey that requires more horsepower than math. Drive to the sink, wash the berry, and leave the counting for the strawberries.

Checkmate, Gemini

A VCR never sold my private info to a nazi

One thing about Kash Patel eventually being fired is there’s no way to imagine what his face will look like upon hearing the news.

How on earth does someone arrive at the thinking that REMOVING PRIDE FLAGS at a coffee shop in SAN FRANCISCO is a GOOD idea?

“Hi, I own a Philadelphia sports bar and let’s get rid of all this Eagles shit! You know, FOR BUSINESS.”

Natalie if any of these guys making jokes about your partner’s name are bothering you please let me know.