Did you hear the rumor about butter? - Well, I’m not going to spread it!

I’m not asking you to be great, I’m telling you that you ARE!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. - I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

What do you call a cold dog? – A chili dog.

What kind of car does an egg drive? - A yolkswagen.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? – Because then it would be a foot.

I want to see this chat moving so fast I can’t read it!

What do you call a belt with a clock on it? – A waist of time.

I’m rooting for you so hard it’s actually exhausting!

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? – Because he was outstanding in his field.

How do you make holy water? - You boil the hell out of it.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? – Because the “P” is silent.

I’ve already decided you’re winning today, so stop arguing!

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? - A cat has claws at the end of paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Stand up and stretch for 10 seconds or face the consequences!

What kind of car does an egg drive? - A yolkswagen.

You are a winner by default; don't let the stats tell you otherwise!

Why don’t you ever fight a dinosaur? – You’ll get jurasskicked.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? - He couldn’t see himself doing it.

Why do ducks have tail feathers? – To cover their butt quacks.

How do cows stay up to date? – They read the moos-paper.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. - It was the best dam show I ever saw.

Why did the bicycle stand still? – Because it was two-tired.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. - It’s impossible to put down.

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? - Because they’re so good at it!

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. - I don’t know y!

Why did the cookie cry? – Because its father was a wafer so long.

I see your hard work, and it’s absolutely terrifyingly good!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a dog? – Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? – Frostbite.