Me: I don't know.

Cop: You don't know what?

Me: *shrugs*

eating cookies in bed bc there's no one here to stop me

to defeat math you need to think like a number

In a tragic miscommunication Jesus took the veal. 27 people were killed and another 80 were injured in a 58 car pileup…

If you want to understand how my brain works picture a patient fisherman waiting for catch as the water moves swiftly.

I'm also there, wondering why he didn't just go to a school cafeteria. That's where all the fish are, learning how to be fried lunches for middle schoolers.

Our lady of perpetual goddamnit

Absolutely FUCK, but also ALL THIS SHIT.

Why are democrats still following protocol and decorum on these Epstein files. It’s way past time you go SCORCHED FUCKING EARTh. READ THE NAME OUT LOUD. BREAK THE REPS BACKS. You can do this. FUCK decorum and protocol they dont follow it

my apprentice spilled another
potion. ive been a frog all day

on sunday nights i make a list of my regrets, then bake them into a sad and bitter pie

🎶it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife / it's meeting the man of my dreams / and then realizing he's just a pile of more fucking spoons

IT'S LIKE SPOOOOONS ON YOUR WEDDI

me: *using normal speaking voice*

jason statham: *eyes narrow*

narrator: this summer, jason statham shuts up the bad guys in… The Librarian

good morning only to people who aren’t planning and doing war crimes

seems like a good day to not be the stupidest and wrongest person in recent history

curled up like a whorl of smoke in the blue light, watching warm bodies sway and sweat as i sip a whiskey sour letting the lemon bite my lips like a yearning lover overtaken by the thump of a rhythm only he can hear

Just got off the phone with the President, he does not know if his refrigerator is running.

All I want for my next birthday is one of them cartoon sandwiches where you shuffle all the ingredients together into one mile high sammich.

You've been struck by, you've been hit by, a disintegration beam.

just a heads up: the shaolin and the wu-tang could be dangerous

The gap in my resume is when my brain and body were telling me that working is stupid.

just want to remind everyone on this Easter weekend that the only time Jesus threw hands was with the moneychangers at the temple trying to make bank off of the devout

Booming voice from the sky: "Prepare to receive the Word of God! Your revelation may be recorded for quality and training purposes."

She looks so happy In anticipation of feeding that child to that turkey.

A woman scorned…
An epic opportunity for revenge…
A leak of the files and a plea deal?

New sign for the White House just dropped

show us your eggs, i yell into your secret crevice

listen i’m so sorry your parents named you chet but that is no reason to charge me with manslaughter, your honor

*licks finger and holds it up against the sky

Yep the pecker gnats are gonna be fierce this year.

I never want to be part of a random that has me as a member

[sick techno beat]

i’m a good day haver
twisted good day haver

[sick techno escalates]