i hope tomorrow never comes

i just want to get drunk as hell at this point. i don't want to feel anymore.

i just want to drink until i can' t feel. maybe then i'll have the balls to pull the fucking trigger.

dreading coming home.

feeling a little better

kill me already.

im just a useless waste of everything

someone should kill me.

fucking worthless.

too demotivated to do any of my missing schoolwork but i have so much schoolwork...

never not dysphoric.

i hope i wasn't too late.

oh fuck. oh fuck. oh fuck.

I wish my step mom's only mood wasn't pissy. I wish she could just be happy for once. But no.
Now she's mad at me for something that isn't even my fault.

i fucking hate my step mom. she'll clean my room and shove something of mine somewhere obscure and not tell me. Most recently: my computer charger went missing and i don't know where the hell it is and now i can't play Icarus with Flare because it doesn't run on Steam Deck and i can't charge my PC

if I didn't push my luck.

that loss was all my fault.
All of them were my fault except for one.
would've won if I did it right.

why does robotics always result in drama?

i almost did it again

i cant keep going on like this.

i kept thinking about killing myself. specifically with a shotgun. all day.

i ended up cutting myself.
no blood. but.
it still happened.

i hate this

can i get one day? one day without her finding the smallest thing to get angry at me for?

i feel like they don't even give a damn about my mental health any more.
they just see me as something that's broken.
something that needs fixed.
no matter the measures.

whenever i say anything to her she either gets all snippy with me or just mumbles at a volume where I can just barely hear her and it's pissing me off

if I did that I would be gone.

i just want to cry.

its been three days since break ended and im already spiraling from the stress

But at the same time I don't.

But I want to.

im not gonna hurt myself. too scared to do that.