I keep losing the wet tshirt contest and my top is fucking soaked man. It's sopping dang it.

Happy international women's day you can go to any 7 Eleven and fill up a woman! Slurpee full to the brim!

You aren't allowed in the book club!! You are not a book!!!!!!

Breathing is good and all but why doesn't oxygen taste good? I'm eating so much of this and it's bland.

I would feel so bad if I was a fish and John West rejected me

Hanging breasts off a handbag that's a laboob-boob

It is very sad story yes

Banana for scale: never worn

Making a biblically accurate snow angel by just flopping around a bunch

Yes insomnia sucks but it's only one sleep til Christmas

Got an eye test and yep! Confirmed! They're eyes!

(hearing it's been declared a Total Fire Ban day) surely they don't mean my Big Fire

(logging in to write a thing about it being hot) yeah, Martin gets it!

You gotta zooper that dooper! Zoop until you're dooped! I think I have heat stroke! Zoop doop zap dap boop!

I still could be that guy you know who builds a vert ramp in their house and breaks their arm. Any day now.

It's time for your Google Keep Wrapped!
- You wrote 27 notes between midnight and 4am that mean nothing to you now!
- Pretty sure there's some unlabelled passwords in here.
- Hell yeah, keep pinning that motivational quote, king!!

This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that "Rebecca Black is in Ballarat" is the most beautiful.

Thinking of everyone today who doesn't want to admit they still use spotify but it said they were 21

Shoutout to all the neuromilds, neuro- extra hots, and the neuro-lemon and herbs

Me? I've never been better! I'm always unwell!

I don't believe in a vengeful god but I know he'd smite an influencer opening a whole advent calendar at once.

Who's got two thumbs and can I have one?

I'm really starting to embrace an NPC lifestyle. I love to wander back and forth, I wear clothes, I threaten anyone who dares walk under my bridge, if you select the third option I stab - it's good!

Clippy ripped me off??! That mouthy cunt.

It's weird that graffiti isn't a pasta. I should be able to eat graffiti and meatballs.

Oh no! I thought I would get raptured so I spent my superannuation on little treats!! I goofed my retirement!!! Please buy my ebay labubus!!!!

Air fryer?? I hardly know her!!!!!

PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME CRISP UP THIS WOMAN STRANGER.

I keep worrying that I never wear sunscreen but then I remember I don't go outside. The ultimate sunscreen? Roof.

I find it difficult to relate to a lot of people but every video I see of a seal, I'm like, "I get it, man."

'The Subway' is about me. I have green hair and am there all the time. I love sweet onion chicken teriyaki.