Hot take: the open fuck you energy of 10-1 did better than 9-2 would have. L. Louise Lucas was right. Soft-pedaling it wouldn't have sold, "you're goddamn right we are" did.

I would submit that a gerrymander by politicians saying fuck the voters and one by voters saying fuck the politicians are two wholly different animals

Gradoo

2026 French Quarter Fest is proud to announce the birth of a new disease #nolasky

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Nice

Join The Onion Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

For fuck's sake, sign up for The Onion, and get a free limited edition IW tote.

A share of merch sales will go to the Sandy Hook families, which will be the first time they get any money since they filed this lawsuit eight years ago.

Legal fees have been insane. Please sign up and help us out!

I haven't read any of those!!! Will reading any of them make me a better person? I'm in my fifties maybe it's too late

Once again "the death of the West" meant "the death of my secret bank account."

i compiled a bunch of research on nicotine patches as therapeutics. this doc is about ~1.5 years old so i'm betting there's more now

7mg patch/day nicotine has helped massively with my post-covid fatigue and worsened MCAS. you don't see habituation at that level

Neat

Tomorrow is taco Tuesday!!!

well now I want toilet wine

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a great darkness that was, somehow, all my fault. Today, that childhood dream is finally coming true. Today I can finally say the sweetest nine or 10 words in the English language: Global Tetrahedron has completed its plan to control InfoWars.com. I’ve had a lot of time to think about InfoWars in the last year and a half. As the seasons have changed, my ambitions for the project have grown grander, crueler, better aligned with market data. Come, friends, and imagine with me…

Imagine a roaring arena packed to the rafters with pathological liars. High above you in the nosebleeds are podcasters, screaming that you’ll die if you don’t buy their skincare products. Below, on the floor, imagine demonic battalions of super-influencers physically forcing people into home fitness devices designed to dismantle their bodies bone by bone and reassemble them into a grotesque statue of yourself. Out of the throngs, an extremely sick looking man approaches you. He puts his hands on your shoulders. He explains that he is your life coach and that you owe him $800. Such is the InfoWars I envision: An infinite virtual surface teeming with ads. Not just ads, but scams! Not just scams, but lies with no object, free radical misinformation, sentences and images so poorly thought out that they are unhealthy even to view for just a few seconds. The InfoWars of old was only the prototype for the hell I know we can build together: A digital platform where, every day, visitors sacrifice themselves at altars of delusion and misery, their minds fully disintegrating on contact.

With this new InfoWars, we will democratize psychological torture, welcoming brutal and sadistic ideas from everyone, even the very stupidest among us. It will be like the Manhattan Project, only instead of a bomb, we will be building a website. The InfoWars of tomorrow will converge into a swirling vortex of content about content, talent acquiring talent, rings of concentric media mergers processing all human artistry into one endlessly digestible slurry. This will be a dank, sunless place, one where panic and capital feed on each other like twins in the womb of a hulking, unknowable monster—a monster known by many names, but which I like to call modern-day America. All of this is to say that I believe in us. I believe that with the new InfoWars, we can alchemize the pioneering spirit of amateur inquiry, the profit-maximizing drive of corporations, and the cold mental clarity that comes only with disciplined daily ingestion of mind- and body-altering chemicals. If we can do that, what other great things can we do together?

I don’t yet know, but I’m excited to find out. Welcome home, warriors. The future belongs to us. We’re writing the story now. It’s going to be a long one, and it’s going to be a bad one. So settle in. Make yourself comfortable. Buy a tote bag. Nothing can stop us now that we’re in charge of a website. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron

We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...

to be genuine for a moment, working for the onion in this era has been one of the greatest experiences of my life so far. good things will continue to come

We're about to find out!

i love this for both of them, i hope all the lawyers have a good time

Smith onstage, wearing a hat & tie. She’s lighting a cigarette between songs.

Patti Smith performs at Max’s Kansas City
📷 Ebet Roberts, May 18, 1978

Tim Curry is my spirit animal

ZOHRAN MAMDANI: "It is sad that for too many Americans when they want to look for ambition in the Democratic Party, they have to turn to a history book."

APRIL 2026
KHAMENEI IS MASTER OF THE STRAIT
ONLY EUROPEAN CRUISE LINES STAND BEFORE HIM
ROYAL CARIBBEAN ARE NOW BLOCKADE RUNNERS

how is this literally happening in real life

>unarmed pleasure vessel inexplicably capable of running a blockade

What did he know?

omg, Christina Koch shared the video from aboard Integrity during Artemis II when the chorus from Pink Pony Club didn't play

www.instagram.com/reel/DXSkG9_...

Federal judge unloads on ‘unserious’ RFK Jr., says anti-trans policy showed his ‘cruelty’ Judge Mustafa T. Kasubhai vacated the “Kennedy Declaration,” finding it unlawfully attempted to override medical standards and restrict care for transgender youth.

Breaking: HHS’s ban on gender-affirming care is struck down. Rarely have I read a ruling this sharply worded.

“This case is one of a long list of examples of how a leader’s wanton disregard for the rule of law causes very real harm to very real people.”

www.advocate.com/politics/nat...

The FBI Director, the DC US Attorney, and the Secretary of Defense walk into a bar.

Apparently like every day.

Barack Obama and Zohran Mamdani sing ‘Wheels on the Bus’ to kids in NYC

pulitzer grade journalism to assign the clavicular interview to a man who looks like that lmao

The fingernails still great

A beauty