[clutching pearls]
Niche!!?

We are all of us in the gutter, Jake

Every morning, I watch a beautiful naked woman across the street with my telescope.

One day, I'll get that telescope back.

Mike F forever x!

Sign in a restaurant which reads; “For the benefit of our good neighbours, please make very little noises when leaving.”

I tried to do an impression of a shrew giving a marshmallow a back rub.

I hope this ishmael finds you whale

Combing donkeys is illegal.
Sorry, I don’t rake the mules.

I don’t know who this Irene character is either. It’s all some kind of elaborate ruse.

Welcome to Bookbinding for Beginners, please make yourself a tome.

This might be the first one I’ve seen on here that’s made my shoulders relax, like the good times are back.

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?

guard: [looking away] fine

wife: did something happen?

guard: [tearing up] no

wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

An image of the former Pope with his garments blowing in the wind, and being turned into a pie chart. Copy reads “We surveyed 100 people abut the Pope’s latest address. We asked: In your opinion, just how popey was the Pope today? About 80% said Very Popey, loved it! 10 out of 10. About 20% said Not as Popey as I’d hopey. Great job your holiness!”

Just how Popey was the Pope today?

(From the archives, 2015)

Time to dust off an old classic I guess…

but im a jeep
im a vehicle
what the hell am i doing here
beep beep honk honk steer

Dammit Jeff, are you misattributing my witticisms again? We’ve spoken about this.

He’s just sent me a message to option the tweet for a limited series.

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

Sabrina Carpenter, Chappel Roan and Billie Eilish pose for a photo.

Hocus Pocus (1993) follows a villainous comedic trio of witches who are inadvertently resurrected by a teenage boy in Salem, Massachusetts on Halloween night.

So you’re getting mixed emulsions…

Funerals should have a bit where they ask the congregation to speak up if there’s any lawful reason why the dead person shouldn’t be buried

Tony Slattery was an uncageable comic for whom Whose Line..? was built for. A true clown. What a talent.

I owe my sandwich toaster a lot of money, but debtor the breville you know.

It’s really frustrating that everything on the internet is inherently true.

Wife: What is this?
Me: [covered head to toe in ketchup] Santa Sauce is coming to town
Wife: Sean, we've talked about this
Me: Happy hollandaise
Wife: You promised
Me: [shouting at the car as she drives away] …AND MAYO YOUR CHRISTMASES BE W–

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

A wood and fabric Geodesic Dome type structure that looks like IKEA made playground inspired office fixtures. Inside are a small table and two chairs, it's set within an industrial building repurposed as an open office floorplan

Getting fired in the Open Office Geodesic Dome, the Hurt Yurt, the Fear Sphere, the Dodecadownsizer

The police said I’d be locked up if I’m caught stealing kitchen utensils again, but I’m willing to take the whisk.

No refunds available. Take it up with customer services.

Father Christmas isn’t particularly handsome in rainy weather…

But he’s dashing through the snow.

Beginning of a chapter from an Enid Blyton book. The title is “Dick gets everyone into trouble.”

Enid Blyton knew