Cuz baby now we got bad mud. You know it used to be mad mud

1925 jobs: oh boy 5am time to move some big rocks back and forth for no reason

2025 jobs: Hawk tuah retrospective video Essay YouTuber

2125 job: they won’t exist because I just pressed a big red button that says “kill all humans.” Whoops!

Reply to this if we’re friends and I need to follow you

torture and chill sessions with your favorite concubine >>>

ⓘ This user has lost the Mandate of Heaven.

Liberal Customer: Could I get a Moccha Fucciato with extra bullshit!

Me, fuming angry: Listen here you dumbass fuck—

Force ghost of my uncle who touched up on me: Remember patience.

Me: man fuck you

Job in 1994: factory worker. Coal miner. Lady doctor

Job in 2024: McDonald AI burger consultant, AI prostitute designer, fortnight player

What happened to society?

Is it safe here

Me: Hello Buttercup 😀 Gonna try this new trend: “Unemployed Heroin Addict Fall” 🥰

Breadwinning GF: *checking her phone* Not seeing any Meg Bitchell tweets about this 🤔

Me, frantically leaving apartment: Girl dinner better be in the oven when I get back

Trying to riff with the prosecution and getting really mad he’s not ‘yes and’ing me. Did this clown even take improv classes at “Harvard”

Woah … samshmouth guy dying was NOT on my 2023 bingo card *checking my card* Oh wait. It was. BINGO!!

Get this ijbol nonsense away from me. It’s the scrappy doo of acronyms to lol’s scooby. It’s demonic and possibly satanic also and I hate it

Love languages…personality types……astrology…if you believe in any of these I have a concept to show you called “Adult Santa Claus.” it’s me in a funny red hat and you give me 500 dollars

Yes.

Clear recent searches ❎

Xanax dark web buy

Elmer Fudd in real life

Bugs bunny current location

Can bugs bunny save you Elmer Fudd

Can anyone save you Elmer Fudd

wesell pwice MacBook aiw

Can’t wait to get home and stare in the fridge tonight for 1-2 hours

My god …

Me: Hey bro, check this out 👉📱

--> Viral bait tweet: and for why are you, as a MAN, still using Snapchat past the age of 22 ☠️ gay much?

The kid 7500 miles away paid .10¢/hr to make that phone: I just know someone’s reading a banger with this 😭

MY BRO: MORON..that was the worst impromptu “Wonderwall” I’ve ever heard 🤦 we can never show our faces at Sock’s Co-op again.

ME: i just choked man. I’m so sorry

GUY WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS: You think that’s bad. I have no arms or legs

phone’s dead 🤦 I’ll use my wits to get home like a true New Yorker

*going up to lady*

BAZONGAS!! 🤩 *she slaps me so hard I go flying*

YES! 🚀

wait 🤨 this isn’t my apartment..*look at giant sign that says ‘Lab to Create COVID 2’*

Erm.. 😅 does y’all’s smoke weed

Doordash Guy: Food here! 🤨 Are you sniffing me?

Her: 💨👃🏼I am assessing your abilities

DG: …and?

Me: Weak knees🧐 flabby middle, 👈 and rocks for brains 🗒️✍️You’re a prime candidate for “the Surgery”

DG: My ass is not getting out of here alive🤦

Me: 😹

DG: 😂 🤔 😭

Ice cubes ruin any drink. Pathetic

*looking at news story that says ‘TikTok Proven To Lessen Anxiety’*

Yup. Looks like the kids are gonna be “all right” 😉

*scrolling to story that says ‘Joe Biden Legalizes Young TikTokers Torturing and Killing All Millennials’*

Cheeky tykes 😅

I’m going to repost every one of my tweets in order

They should rename this site “y”

This site could kill twitter right now if it had group chats idk what’s going on

Unmm because you don’t get pussy? Yeahhhhhh lol 🤷‍♂️ ladies since there’s no DMs on here just use the replies I’ll respond 👇

Follow back

Just says you don’t have a penis and can’t cum and can’t get hard and will never find love and go 💅🏻 !

Sending this was the best way to get laid in 2016