having a snaggletooth is hot and needs a better name like Sex Fang

Okay, you can step on my blue suede shoes now

I can't be the only one who wonders what crazy shit goes down on Sesame Street when they're not filming

All i'm saying is if 'practice makes perfect' is a thing, surely we'd all be better at the sleeping thing, as adults

no i don’t want to “hang out” i only want to be perceived two sentences at a time by strangers on the internet

toilet is french for “little toil”

A fluffy white cat with gray markings lies on a wooden table. A glass between its front paws is being filled with red wine from a bottle.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I have a fool-proof method to fall asleep. Sorry, make that an 80-proof method.

Foolproof?!! Stand aside

i once again am suffering the consequences of making my comfort foods too comforting

‘Don’t encourage him.’

-my mom, about me

Almost time for the Autumn Ear-hair Harvest festival.

More like hollowed be thy name.

Can’t. Doing reverse cowgirl with your mom, while eating a *checks latest update*

corndog.

Hell yes I'm recycling all my tweets on Bluesky. Why should I come up with new garbage when I already have this garbage?

corn dogs are just meat twinkies

not me just now realizing "ghosting" has nothing to do with ignoring her to play call of duty

It only took me 37 tries to get my messy bun looking effortless.

I still can't fucking believe it's not butter.

All the people not following me are missing out on some superbly mediocre shit.

When you hear strange noises in your home at night, just make some more strange noises to establish dominance.

Sorry I said, "Here comes the airplane," during fellatio.

Your soulmate is out there somewhere making exaggerated sex noises while eating

*sext

Her: I wanna make you feel good.

Me: Lady, I haven’t felt good since 1985.

Spicing things up in the bedroom with a few stalks of celery.

Trojan guard: oh man I am “chomping at the bit” to get this thing inside haha

[the other guys inside the horse start shushing me and shaking their heads violently]

Me: THE WORD IS ‘CHAMPING’ YOU FUCKWIT

Checking on my stocks*
*beef and chicken

if i had a nickel for every time i didn't listen to a word i said i'd have twelve hot dogs

Do you really want me to get used to going to bed alone?