My family told me to wear a bike helmet as safety is important. But now people point, stare and make fun of me. I'll never go to that spinning class again.

My wife told me “I had a dream that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “You'll know tonight.” I said with a wink. So never wanting to let her down, I searched every shop until I found the perfect present.... A book on the meaning of dreams

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I just got banned from the bar for lip-syncing Karaoke.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Its not that I didn't know how to juggle, I just didn't have the balls too

My wife said she will divorce me if I keep using the kitchen utensils, but that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Nothing like a good face palm

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Thank you, Deborah, Have a wonderful weekend👋😀

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday." Not the best postcard to receive

When I was younger, Instagram meant a really fast drug dealer

Thank you, Debs, I hope you do too😀

I've just taken out a loan to pay for an exorcism. I'm now worried that If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.

Poster for Street Link support helpline. Simple drawing of trees at night with a bright street light shining on them. Text reads: Concerned about someone sleeping rough? Connecting rough sleepers to local services. Street Link. 0300 500 0914 www.streetlink.org.uk

Happy Friday lovely phone family. It's -5° here. Shelter estimates in December were 345k homeless folk in England alone. The average age of death for rough sleepers is 45 for men and 43 for women.
If you're worried about anyone, please report through www.streetlink.org.uk ❤️
#HaveCourageAndBeKind

I've just sent my first wife a large delivery of food, Fedex

deadpool is wearing a helmet and holding two swords and says very nice ! ALT: deadpool is wearing a helmet and holding two swords and says very nice !

😂🤣😂🤣

I wish it had

my first job was drilling holes for water – it was well boring

😂🤣😂🤣