One time I wrote a fucking 20 page paper on Ceausescu’s social control policies, I think to myself while blowing up balloons for work.

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

Vintage comicbook panel, showing a woman in a nurse's uniform gripping cell bars. Top: "She, too, is in a cage ..." Notice on cage: "Wild human Female. Very rare. Do not annoy."

Monday Mood

There was no descent into madness. I did a cannonball.

Why is ham the only thing that gets honey glazed around here?

Just when I'm about to fall asleep the monster under my bed gets talkative.

at least your hands around my throat gets rid of two of my chins how do I look

I want peace but I also want to fuck shit up

Tom Cruise movies are so unrealistic. You never see him struggling to reach something on a high shelf.

I don't need a hashtag telling me to boycott anything

I’d do that thing you like*

*take the trash out without being asked

Hear me out, a drive-thru sperm bank called 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘎𝘰.

That's the last time I'll open the fridge door without knocking . . . it's scary in there.

[In therapy]

Why do I have to share my fries with him?

if I don’t make it tell my friends not to touch my shit

These candy cigarettes aren't hitting like they use to.

For $14.95, I will send you all of the skeets I have saved.

With the monthly subscription version, you tell me what skeets to be saved.

Fun for your friends! More fun for your not so much friends!

Crispin Glover turns 62 Monday. By George, how time McFlys.

My soulmate is out there finishing fries that could’ve been shared with me

eating dry Cheerios and recalling when my toddlers would drop food on purpose and then smile when I picked it up. jerks!

Oh, the ONE therapist office you called hasn't called back? Well, I guess that's the end of your self improvement journey.

Home on a Saturday night drinking a Pepsi, like some parolee.

Wanting to do things and not wanting to do things in equal amounts

The sax solo is right behind me isn't it?

WHO THE FUCK'S IDEA WAS IT TO LET THE HORSES PERFORM SURGERY AGAIN? THEY HAVE GOT HOOVES FOR HANDS. MAYBE MR. DUMPTY WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE IF WE'D HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR RATHER THAN FUCKING SEABISCUIT.

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

It's spring which means it's time to clear out your old ear hairs to allow for new growth.

The CERN super collider won't start altering time until last Friday

sorry I haven’t been online lately been trying to open this childproof cap

Sprinkled a couple ativan on my morning xanax for garnish