not the time, iphone

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard and grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

posting the same thing on twitter, bluesky and threads like a grandma with dementia who keeps repeating herself at dinner while the whole family ignores her

bro i was at the “loves unconditionally and will always be there for their friends” convention and everyone there knew you lmaoo

i hope this email finds u at ur lowest point. rock bottom. a juncture in ur life so wretched and foul that ur struggling to find joy in even the smallest of delights. a shell of the person u once were

saw a text and told myself i would reply later and forgot and now i haven’t spoken to my friends or family for 7 months hope they’re all doing okay

what the hell

to the person behind me at the red light. yes i wasn’t paying attention and it turned green. u didn’t have to honk. i’m not perfect there i admit it. ur not perfect either. u lost custody of ur kids

my cat: [finally lets me pet it after several hours of trying]

also my cat: [immediately licking clean the spot i just touched] that’s enough of that

i love pushing the trash down harder and harder every day as the can gets full so i never have to take it out. not unlike sisyphus

the LAST thing i have to do before going to bed is brush my teeth. and ur telling me the FIRST thing i have to do when i wake up is brush my teeth again? existence is hell

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

when i was in 1st grade u could NOT get me to stop talking about the military industrial complex and the global state of the economy lmaooo i was so annoying

friend: do u want to hold our baby?

me: why

gonna bite a random person today

website: incorrect username OR password

me: which one

website: idkkkkkk :) guess lol

aaaaand the hellthread is right behind me isn’t it? bahah

[texting family]

me: we live in a cruel world, i welcome the sweet release of death

me, 20 minutes later when my tummy ache is gone: disregard that last text

“enjoy the little things in life” i don’t even enjoy the big things leave me alone

me: how much is a ticket?
ticketmaster: $25
me: oh nice-
ticketmaster: and a $15 convenience fee
me:
ticketmaster: plus a $100 little bitch boy fee
me: ok what

let’s get this man on here so we can bully him

friend: what are u watching

me: unsolved mysteries

friend: so just mysteries then?

me, taking another bite of edible food: i’m not sure what u mean

if i gast i must flabber. it’s a nonnegotiable. there will be no flabbering unless a gast follows immediately thereafter

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

if u ask someone how it’s going and they respond “another day in paradise” they’re about to kill themselves in front of u

0 likes on twitter: maybe i should log off and enjoy my remaining years

0 likes on bluesky: maybe i should log off and enjoy my remaining years

instead of saying “i have to” try having an “i get to attitude.” i get to go to work, i get to go to the gym, i get to have a mental breakdown in my car at 11am in the chilis parking lot. life is about perspective

cat: pet me

me:

cat: PET ME

me: *goes to pet cat*

cat: first of all who the fuck said u could touch me?

get into a hellthread it’ll all make sense