I hate the letter Q

"OHhh loOk aT me iM so QuiRky"

You're an O with a dick. Grow up already.

Toasted sourdough is a scam invented by dentists to sell more teeth

Girlfriend: If you get through this one game of Battleships with me without making any weird Star Wars references I won't break up with you.

Me: Easy. You first.

Girlfriend: C3...

Me: FUCK

Any of my old mutuals on here (or from the old shadowy place™️) have a fledgling YouTube channel or podcast?

Interested in going into scripting online content and curious whether anybody out there has any experience etc. 👀

Toasted sourdough is a scam invented by dentists to sell more teeth

Wait i hadn't finished my old year yet can I get a doggy bag?

If you start singing 19,017 green bottles sitting on the wall at 10:17pm tonight your mental breakdown will start as the clock hits midnight 🥰

I'm wearing pyjamas under my work clothes today and honestly 10/10 don't think I'll ever go back from this

wish my body came with a kickstand bc sometimes i just need to rest where i stand.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: ...Yes.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: ...Yes.

Leaving my drafts folder to go down with the other place

I expect my Nobel peace prize in the post

I have a super hot, kind, smart, incredible girlfriend

so GOD DAMMIT WILL SOMEBODY ARRANGE A CLASS REUNION ALREADY I HAVE SO MUCH FLEXING TO DO

I hate the letter Q

"OHhh loOk aT me iM so QuiRky"

You're an O with a dick. Grow up already.

Got fired as an awthor

not a clew why

I never thought spirit animals were a thing until I met ✨️him✨️

A toy goose sits on a sofa with his adorable head hung low. It's in black and white because I'm artsy.

Me when my girlfriend is busy having a life

Magician: Pick a card, any card

Me: (visibly panicking) PIKACHU

I'm hosting a me look alike contest

It's at my workplace

Just turn up, they'll show you where your desk is

Accidentally revealed i still have an msn email address to a bunch of teens today

Pray for me

How your email finds me

Stay safe when drinking, always remember STAR:

S - Start drinking
T - Tasty drinky
A - Am drubk now
R - Rhow doacronymys works I'm drùnck

Stay safe when drinking, always remember STAR:

S - Start drinking
T - Tasty drinky
A - Am drubk now
R - Rhow doacronymys works I'm drùnck

Remember that one time when we all got into sea shanties?

We ride at dawn

Well

We walk behind pushing at dawn. But close enough.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Absolutely spot on 100% hard agree

YES BUT ALSO MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW'S THE FERNLETTE?!

Got drunk and now i only speak in rhyme I will not be taking any questions at this time

OH I didn't know my therapist was going to see this uh oh