Hey everybody! I am taking the helm of this classic American institution with @theonion.com and want to know what you fine folks would like to see from us.

I will now eat nachos and see the film LEE CRONIN’S THE MUMMY

I will now see the film NORMAL

I haven't finished Pragmata yet but wow, it's really cool. I've been really into the story and interactions between the characters and the combat evolves in some really neat ways. One of those rare games where you stare the upgrade menu and every new choice seems like a useful addition.

I will now see the film FACES OF DEATH (2026 but has been shot and finished since 2023)

I will now see the film EXIT 8

I will now see the film THE DRAMA

When Baz Luhrman had the guns say "sword" on the side in Romeo + Juliet, that was the best choice that has been made in any modern adaptation ever.

I will now see the film FORBIDDEN FRUITS

I will now see the film THEY WILL KILL YOU

i could believe that gavin newsom killed a woman using a starving rat and a plastic habitrail tube in the mid 1980s

The Polymarket bar, playing on the “Monitoring the Situation” meme, is a bust.

After waiting outside for nearly an hour and a half in the rain because of technical issues—power and wifi going out—none of the TVs are working.

Staff say everything will be back up and running tomorrow.

I will now see the film READY OR NOT 2: HERE I COME

I will now see the film PROJECT HAIL MARY

I will now see the film UNDERTONE

I will now see the film HOPPERS

Laker Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash

Laker Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash

The Stuff (Cohen, 1985)

I will now see the film HOW TO MAKE A KILLING

I will now see the film PROTECTOR

I will now see the film THE BRIDE!

how is it even still playing in theaters

I will now see the film SCREAM 7

I will now see the film NIRVANNA THE BAND THE SHOW THE MOVIE

I will now see the film PSYCHO KILLER

I will now see the film THE MOMENT

I will now see the film CRIME 101

I will now see the film GOOD LUCK, HAVE FUN, DON’T DIE