The sax solo is right behind me isn't it?

Me, opening the fridge: Hmm..nothing..
Lettuce in a bag: Hey!
Me: Nothing, indeed

I miss Evel Knievel. He would just jump over some shit and fix all this.

i like to shoot pool with my bf, Bill Yards . folks,,

you don’t win friends with unsalted pistachios

what circle of hell is LinkedIn

They said I’m a fine girl? Is that all they said about me?
-Brandy

finally going to finish my geocities website tonight

Lumbar support? Mine gave me a big hug and whispered "it's not your fault"

Autocorrect changed good morning to good muffin and I mean

Just hoping a mild head injury might get me through the week at this point.

When they invented that vertical space in which elevators would operate it was a real paradigm shaft.

In another world we say "in this world" to refer to that world only because we don't need to imagine any others. Or maybe we don't even say world we just grunt out for big perfect circle like panoramaaagh

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

at first I was like *1st sax solo from Urgent ('81, Foreigner)*
then I realized I needed to be *2nd sax solo from Urgent ('81, Foreigner)*

One of my biggest fears is driving down the highway with an unsecured load. That’s not even a metaphor.

feels like it’s time to get lost in my own head

i’m in my eating-popcorn-out-of-fancy-bowls phase

that’s how I should answer the phone at work

-me when someone screams in a movie

Wanting to do things and not wanting to do things in equal amounts

Being an account that people enjoy following sounds exhausting.

Be the shutting the fuck up you want to hear in the world.

This is the perfect time of night to secretly promote your mixtape.

y'all still eating popcorn like orville redenbacher wasn't weak on crime

awkwardly somewhere being awkward

adulthood is just a series of reminders to replace various filters

the sound that an armful of cutlery makes when being thrown down the stairs would be a great name for a girl

I don't trust people who don't talk to themselves.... I know right!

Hang on, just let me eat these gummy bears that are the same as eating a salad.

*looking wistfully into the distance*

Huh?