I fried my laptop once, now its being tempura metal.

He said, 'Cor blimey!'

I said, 'Blammo to you, too!'

We were at an impasse.

As he stood there wiping the water off the golf cart's windows, his thoughts drifted back to the time machine and how much fun it had been to go back in time and mansplain to the natives.

Ever since that day I've never returned without my gosub.

"We take one cookie out of the box each year while the price remains the same. Eventually the customer will be paying us for an empty box."

"Over the millennia our scientists have perfected the skill of stopping the microwave one second early."

He tugged on his forelock, brushed his rearlock, smoothed his sidelocks, checked his keys, put on a hat and coat every morning before starting his day.

I'm having a hard time visiting my friend at the People Come Out Of The Dark With Guns Wanting Your Wallet Apartments.

He turned his head away as he ripped it in half, knowing full well that the accidental damage warranty did not cover glare and tear.

And the strawberry shake, which will never be found again!

Hmm, this guy with his fancy poncho and jump boots.

"Don't worry, I always keep a second butter knife in my boot."

"IChocolate, like magic, is rather rare in this universe I'm sad to say. We're only allowed to have a bit of it every eighty pages or so."

Needs some New Order music to go over it.

I've never joined the Mile High Club, but I have been delayed at an airport before.

I used to play kazoo, but life got in the way!

I figured this needed to be reposted somewhere!

Lehman Cave, in Great Basin National Park

"We have now reached a destination which is farther further beyond what you can ever imagine...

..in fact, imagination gave up two days ago and is going home."

Everybody was kung-fu fighting!

"He was so dangerous they made him wear this pin on his shirt everywhere he went. They called it a broach with caution."

The big van slowed down to park right in front of the drive through right when I tried to leave the coffee shop. "Great, I'm going to be late now. I'm being held up by an armored car."

The owl eyed man said, "It's the most wondrous thing! Gatsby's cafe claims to serve lunch, and I thought the menus were fake. Turns out nobody can turn the pages from all the pancake syrup."

The algorithm has decided I need to know more about gaps today.

I made a "--hmm." noise as I walked into the room knowing they would hear it, but be too polite for the next five minutes to ask what it meant.

Coming home and looking at all the half finished cups in the fridge.

"They call me pop
They call me ice tea
They call me jumbo
But I'm a diet

That's not my drink..
That's not my drink.."

Compared to my phone tablet, where I can stipple all I like:

Trying to draw stars in the night sky and find my XP-Pen tablet doesn't reliably recognize if I just tap the screen, only when there is a tap and some motion.

You might see a notice like so: