For April fools, the city just turned my toilet into a nonconsensual bidet as I was using it

Everyone's always like "two wrongs don't make a right" but sometimes it takes a few wrongs to stop the leak where the wrongs are coming out

If you ever find yourself doubting the power of marketing just consider the fact that millions of people think Eggo (the Cap'n Crunch of Waffles and Destroyer of Mouths) is something to be coveted

I told Alexa to play sad carnival music and it put on Kanye

If your intrusive thoughts aren't telling you to plop some mayonnaise in the protein smoothie then congrats on getting to live life in starter mode

Is anyone else surprised gen z haven't started wearing those cat in the hat hats we used to wear yet

Ever misplace the vape pen and wander aimlessly searching for it so much that you wonder if you've actually been dead for 14 years and that it's time to let go and accept that it's gone so your spirit can finally move on

*turns to camera* 🙃🫸 (actually I was just searching for gay communists in Kansas that I might do gay and/or communist things with them thereby)

Understandable. I routinely monitor to see if more str8s are being sent to Kansas in hopes of discouraging it

Not in my backyard 🌻👎

Just got back from the future, turns out the people celebrating concentration camps for farm workers are gonna be the first ones to resort to cannibalism

Since anything goes they should redo that 70s Disney movie Aristocats but as a live action musical narrated by AI Gilbert Gottfried and rated whatever comes after R

Guest at my mom's easter feast:

"This can of cranberry sauce has really outdone itself. *evil grin* It has aged splendidly."

Do you think aliens go around marking surfaces with crude representations of their bizarre reproductive organs or is that just an earth thing

I'm assuming you don't mean that they're capitalists and their agenda is maximizing profits 😅 what's the agenda though? Some kind of Francis E Dec shit?

Is the agenda to flood us with AI-generated brainrot until we descend into madness? Because that would be overkill

Happy corporate buying freeze day for all who observe! Don't worry about anyone saying you're a Bad Leftist™️ for participating, it won't be enough to bend the knees of our bourgeois captors but it is good practice for mass coordinated actions & an excellent opportunity for us to reflect on things

Gotta whip that algorithm back into shape

Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies

Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies
theonion.com/guy-on-...

Neo outside of his pod after escaping the Matrix: idk but... Transhumanist hyper-fascism might not be the ideal mode of production.. Nick Land as a Sentinel: Yet ur preserved in a pod filled with synthetic goo made under transhumanist hyper-fascism. How ironic

Culture Crave @culturecrave Instagram is now randomly showing users AI-generated images of themselves "Used Meta AI to edit a selfie, now Instagram is using my face on ads targeted at me" Screenshot of ads.

I thought so too but according to this dark money think tank report, wind turbines are actually more dangerous for orcas than the reverse

Sorry Abby, if I have to listen to it then everybody in this Wendy's gets to. Takes a village!

Oh look, a breath-takingly awful headline from the U.S. state media.

I know it was a different time but I still can't believe they greywashed him like that. Not all ETs are from zeta reticuli, bigots!

One astronaut gazes at a Kari-Out Co. soy sauce packet and asks, "You mean it's just piss and ink?" Another astronaut behind the first is pointing a pistol at them and replies, "Always has been."

Based on a true story of takeout treachery.

Nice grownup logic but everyone knows he just uses his time lord technology to return to every house he's visited throughout eternity at his leisure

All of my Christmas shopping. Thanks!