Screw the fascist fuck currently stinking up the White House. This is how a REAL American president reacts to criticism. 🙌🙏💪👏✊️👇

I took a low level job to pay my bills until my startup gets off the ground. Then my employer announced my new role on LinkedIn!

It’s just like your HS girlfriend posting on Insta that you hooked up during your college winter break.

Bitch, couldn’t we keep that on the DL?!?

New greeting card ideas for 2025:

- Now that you’ve deleted your 23&Me profile, you can’t prove I’m your father. Get lost, loser.

- You are cordially invited to join my attack planning group chat on signal.

- Girl, I’d gladly pay a 50% tariff on dat ass.

Stephen Colbert comes forth with a very pertinent question for Sec. Def. Petey Kegsbreath

Hegseth texted me at 11:44… and a few hours later the bombs were dropping in Yemen!
Unbelievable incompetence this administration has to go. Get out your kayne’s Congress.

Russia agrees to stop targeting energy infrastructure then immediately bombs energy infrastructure.

Trump is putins bitch

You’re a wizard!❤️❤️❤️

Pls try to make me look like a real live person! 😆😆. Thanks, Erin!❤️

"you would be healthier if you reduced stress!" ok. please let me know how to opt out of a capitalist society that is built to discriminate against me, and goes against literally all of my values and morals

Just had to say this to my cousin:

Remember how you said your college boyfriend was a good guy except when he would drink and hit you?

You eventually realized that those rare times that he made you feel good could never make up for the horrible things he did.

Explain how this is different.

Your soulmate is out there somewhere making exaggerated sex noises while eating

Gee. Thanks.

Sign on chain link fence reads “LARGE BREAD DOG PARK.”

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

I’m trying to better understand the traditions of other countries. Boxing Day is the day I can give my kids away to strangers, right? Or is it the day that I get to punch my kids? I always mix this up.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry, she returns, once more, to the fridge.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don't throw your back out.

[on my deathbed] I should have masturbated more

It's that time of the year again 😭

Right back at you, Lydia. You’re the BEST!!! ❤️❤️

You don’t really have to stop…. Just saying. 😆💞💞

Have I been doing this wrong?!?

I just bought a toilet flapper at my local superstore and I got a GIFT RECEIPT.

Sister In Law is about to get a shit ton of plumbing supplies for Christmas.

My new weight loss regimen is to rage-install a new dishwasher after the old one died under the burden of thanksgiving with my family.

If you’re wondering how starved Elon is for ad revenue on X, I just scrolled past the 10th ad on my X TL for a Laundromat located 200 miles from my house.

10 ads
1 single laundromat
200 miles away

Soon, he will be posting ads for a bar located just off Red Square.

You know, you can be a humanist and love this living earth and all of the precious beings that call it home and still be a raging dickhead. I mean, helloOoo

I appreciate that the Heebie Association merged with the Jeebie Coalition. Things wouldn’t be the same having only Heebies or Jeebies, but not both.

Bluesky is the warm cozy blanket of the internet.