fkn shout out to Virginia

damn near forgot about Twinkie’s for a minute there

turns out spiders ain’t so bad

no way a duck is approaching a talking monkey—but i have not done the research, so maybe err on the cautious side

not if you’re a female duck, James

attest—very rapish

ok then maybe leave that cute little fella be 🕷️🕸️

would you rather see fifty flies or a couple of spiders?

it’s that time of day and year y’all

this new coffee tastes like burnt tires. i love it

they don’t want coworkers mingling b/c it’s like, so how’d you end up at this hell hole? and you’re like, for the money. and they’re like, fuckin what?

love M*A*S*H—john ritter, patrick swayze, ron howard, pat morita, laurence fishburn (…et al) getting their start

big Sunni v Shia vibes here and i’m reminded the only thing dumber than holy wars is people who fight for those who wage them

that don’t bother me at all

sorry boss, got dogshit on my shoe this morning and won’t make it in today…yeah it’s pretty bad

dudes with fake hair are lying before they even start talking

mingling tip #7:
grab a new beer before you only have half a beer left in case bro goes on a trope

i don’t know who decided only one friday could be good, but fuck you dude

lead by example. if that doesn’t work, pretend you were trying to teach a lesson

if you smell like you just worked out, and it’s 7am, maybe change your sheets

absolutely should be such a thing as “bedtime”, yet no one wants to believe the person who knows when it is

stepping in dogshit barefoot changes a person

silently setting a good example is still a thing

like to believe i would be more like “ow fuck!” before it got out of hand

❤️

wait, we doing real life deadpool now?

i have to disagree here—this type of thing should have been covered years ago over tequila shots

ok, but my weed store still can’t sell candy bars so the war rages on

it was much more funny when i said it to myself

turns out face jowls are less funny the older you get