clinging to my surgeons arm and giggling like a dumb bimbo as he sticks tape to the bridge of my nose while a cute lesbian stands weeping behind me. just imagine it with your brain in that meme format with the nerdy black guy and the gangster. my surgeon is the gangster

wife who was cheated on: you hurt me, babe. you really did. i know you apologized but i dont know if i can get over it. for you, forgiveness may never come

her husband with an edging fetish: never?

so glad i legalized weed. this blunts for you, captain kirk

exhausted. sad. a little drunk. ordered mcdonalds on doordash. double quarter pounder w cheese. no ketchup. gets to my door and theres ketchup on it? the sight of it was honestly triggering. i cant fucking eat this. requested a refund but they said no. $GovNewsom if you care, i could use it

prince harry over tea: so, dad, i heard youre a pedophile?

king charles: actually i am a corpse

me: essentially a bunch of spoiled creative writing students who felt sexually embarrassed by their hoe-scaring hermeticism hyperfixation and off-putting knowledge of dune lore cooked their brains on lesswrong and 4chan then got rich writing code no moral person would think to spend time on and now have a doomsday death cult where they want to bring about the singularity combined with elements of revelations-esque mysticism my ai waifu who just ordered the 3d printed salmon experience sd card at amazons new 5-star orbital dining experience: check please!

I'm an orgasm denier. I don't believe the orgasm ever happened

America Ferrara (a woman with wavy brown hair and pink clothes) ranting about the hypocrisies of being a woman in the Barbie movie

*trans america ferrera* you have to always be a hung babe, but somehow youre always doing it wrong! youve gotta be big, but not too big! You have to give head, but you cant ask for head, because somehow thats crass! You have to top, but you cant be dominant or youre being a bitch! And you have to-

We're back @SparrowAdorer

I'm being targeted for my right wing beliefs Elon please unban

Thank you for making this lol

Lol

Thanks for the extremely quick response to my appeal request you pieces of shit

Fuck you Elon! A Babylon Bee editor makes a "joke" about raping women and I'm the one who gets suspended? Eat shit you Boer dickhead

Lol

I'm putting a moratorium on Portland businesses using the American Horror Story font for their signage until we can figure out what the hell is going on

Trying to like an egirl's tweets but I'm locked for 12 hours for telling a guy to kill himself

It's substack meets masterclass meets the economist

I hate a "to wit:" ass mf

Reading their horrific attempts at jokes is a constant reminder of the mediocrity of people who have to pay their way through life

The side squeeze to main squeeze pipeline

Babe I'm ready to upgrade you from side squeeze to main squeeze

Kabob time