A new book reveals Queen Elizabeth II smoked weed in Buckingham Palace, giving new meaning to the title "Your Highness."

I’m celebrating Earth Day by not throwing empty beer cans into my neighbour’s backyard

The Chinese inventor of the telescopic lens has died.

Rest in peace, Zhu Min

I told my psychiatrist that I was hearing voices. "You don't have a psychiatrist", he said

My work day:

I re-sent several emails and I resent several more

Sending my dog to veterinary school to teach her how to heal.

Curiously you can only see half as well with 2 contacts in your eye

"This is not my first rodeo," I proclaim confidently, not realising I've signed up for the circus.

Christian Bale is my favorite actor named after a clean up task at the Roman Coliseum.

sandal weather, time for my yearly toenail clipping

Congrats on new role!

Grandpa: I killed 20 men during the war in Vietnam

Dad: But you were a cook

Grandpa: Never said I was a good one
.

A short with big pink flowers that happen to be situated I. A way that looks like my shirt has boobs and nipples

Do you ever get a new pretty flowery shirt and then it isn’t until you’re on camera that you realize

Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.

Kermit remained grounded but Miss Piggy succumbed to her blind hambition

Eggs Benedict sounds like someone Al Capone would’ve known.

healing my inner torment by incorporating one bandaid a day into my diet

all the way home i kept seeing signs saying that the road works ahead but then it tuned out it didn't because they had dug it up.

weird.

If i was a wizard I'd use my powers mainly for remembering why I entered a room

Brent Spiner's wife filed for divorce on the grounds of Insufficient Data.

The baseball score board showing D for Detroit, 0 for their score, 0 for Boston's score, and B for Boston, spells Doob.

Happy four twenty

Kash Patel would make a better Secretary of the Interior, put him in charge of the lush forests.

Working title for Miniature Wife: Honey, I Ripped Off Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Our sales pitch today was a real dog and pony show. I mean, the dog was easy to handle but the pony shit all over the conference room.

Me: what are you making, sweetie?

Her: Dahl

Me: OK, what are you making, doll?

Sunday scaries have nothing on Wednesday weigh-in.

Today’s 420 parade fizzled out early when the marchers began wandering off in different directions.

Jira: drop file anywhere to attach

Jira: except there

Jira: and there

Jira: and also there

All I’m saying is if I was going to write a book about a boy who never grew up, I wouldn’t have called him Peter Pan. I would’ve named him Constanteen.

Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile.