This is how many applejacks my kids left in the box

It’s so strange how I spent the first 31 years of my life being Aaron and the last 13 being A-A-Ron

CHAIRMAN OF ANIMAL NAMING COMMITTEE: So I need a name for this place where the bees live together with their queen

GARY: How about a hive?

CHAIRMAN: I don't know why, but I like it.

ME: *crumpling my note that says 'Stingdom'* Fuck you Gary

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

We should warn them about Covid coming in 2020

I really don’t give a 🦆

I need a 5 gallon bucket of sour gummy worms or I will die

ME: you never know if a pterodactyl is in the bathroom because the p is silent

WIFE: pterodactyls are extinct

ME: yeah you can’t smell them either

The Department of Education, among other things, is what funds special education for children with disabilities.

Trump’s executive order will hurt kids and parents in virtually every school district in the country.

me, 44: I just found out I’m on the spectrum

best friend: I mean, clearly

Dropping out of the UN so we can join the Legion of Doom

eggs

me: *signing to chimp*
chimp: *signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
chimp: years

i’ve seen the lord of the rings trilogy and i’ve played battleship a couple times so appoint me as secretary of defense.

Harry Potter is Christmas movies

You may not be able to play catch with your dad but you can order a baseball from Amazon and return as often as you want

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again

me: no thanks, I'm full

I’m 44, my wounds accumulate

do bats fly south for the winter or do they just … hang around

vampire, sucking my blood: will you PLEASE stop texting

me, eager to please: I came, I saw, I concurred

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Teacher: What is the first rule of thermodynamics?

Me: We don't talk about thermodynamics

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

TOP TEN NUMBERS (in no particular order):

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

ME: *teaching my kids about drugs

WIFE: Can you stop using the word 'awesome'.

shh im hibernating

Thanks brother!

Follow these people.
Follow more than just these people.
Lead some people too.

go.bsky.app/3K14imQ

[mouthful of ants] I should have read the second part