Rodney Safetyfield says “I love my wife and I appreciate your respect in this matter.”

The truest #Massholes of all are the air pockets in cranberries that indicate ripeness.

Kicked out of the family BBQ because I saw the frog guy in the Bad Bunny halftime show and went “sicko mode”

Flaky
Bothered
Withering
Swerving into oncoming traffic

Medieval poison tester posting

WHITE BOY SHOCK CHINESE RESTAURANT by ordering politely in English and not filming during business hours

Time makes fools of us all. But I also do that myself. Time could honestly lay off a little.

Found my dad’s KY jelly last night
Happy Thanksgiving

Screenshot from a Wikipedia page labeled Pea with a picture of pea pods split open revealing their peas, with the caption “Peas are stored in the pod.”

Wishing whoever edited the Wikipedia page for peas to sound like “pee is stored in the balls” a very pleasant evening.

Lyric version of “Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone” by The Temptations saying “It was the third of September”

Me when it’s the third of September

Why work hard to develop a personality when novelty socks are cheap and plentiful?

Sitting outside watching a woman play with a baby that has the hairline of a tonsured monk. Ma’am that is not your “special little boy” that is a member of a Holy Order.

Waking up every day thankful that I slacked off too much in school to become a “debate bro”

Mama did in fact raise a bitch

Are you mad that it’s horny or mad that it’s not *your* horny?

Please, Slim Jim was my father. Call me Skinny Jimmy

I said a guy reminded me of a Jane Austen novel and he goes “you mean the lady with the chimpanzees?”

They hit us with mass mooning we respond with mass gooning am I right people?

a dialog box called "Send reply?". the text reads: 14 other users made the same joke. The two buttons are "Send" and "Do Better," with "Do Better" as the default button.

this will save lives

“Jeeves, what are they doing on the other site?”
“They’re talking about fighting gorillas and using the n-word.”
“Hm. I think I shall not go out of doors today.”

My plan to get rich is to make stock photos. I will take photos of business people getting mad at laptops and the fat cats will throw their dollars at me. The industry is hot right now

The Return of Martin Guerre (1982)

KOTH just girly things🌸

Thank God the CPSC is recalling avocado toast for babies. Kids are starting brunch younger and younger. Today it’s baby avocado toast, next thing you know they’re poaching eggs in the school bathrooms and selling baggies of hollandaise. Talk to your kids about the dangers of brunch today

Slimey the Worm from Sesame Street

Everyday this post gets more prescient, but I’m happy to say my 😂 portfolio is skyrocketing despite these uncertain times

Signs that you have juicy, delectable bugs in your house

Do you think wizards ever go “ugh, I’m tired after pondering the large orb on my desk for hours. Now I can ponder the little orb in my pocket”

Mr. Krabs in his shiver-me-timbers brace with his pants tied in a Melvin knot and the hairs on the back of his neck taped down using his specter deflecter

Mr. Krabs is so afraid of ghosts because he fears they will come to him at night and haunt him out of being a miser.

New health goal: eat more fruits and vegetables that look like they have little peepees