“There’s your problem, the gears are all gummed up with dust, and I might as well clean the tape heads while I’m here…”

“The female lead of my new James Bond novel must have a name that tells the reader she’s a strong independent woman, who runs an all lesbian flying stunt team. What should I name her?
Plenty Vagina? No.
Muchee Coochee? No.
Lotta Beaver? No.
Connie Lingus? No….”

“I must say Ruddiger, that your fanciful new invention has made huffing paint fumes so much easier.”

“Thank you Cecily.”

“By the way, what colour is this paint, the effect it’s having on me is most potent.”

“Scheele’s green, your favourite colour.”

“Capital choice Ruddiger.”

“Hey Theseus.”

“What is it now Minotaur?”

“Would you like some Bofa for lunch?”

“What’s Bofa?”

“Bofa deez nuts!”

“You are such a jerk Minotaur!”

“Susan, Sea Monster! What’s going on here?”

“Leonard, you’re home early!”

“I should go… I don’t really do well in… emotionally awkward situations…”

“Susan, my name is Todd and I’m the negotiator with the police department. Please put down the gun, come out with your hands up, and we can prevent this mistake from becoming a tragedy.”

“Zed.”

“Yeah Bob.”

“Who designed this outfit?”

“Zardoz gave it to us.”

“Does Zardoz know how cold the wind gets around here?”

“Don’t think he cares. He’s a flying stone head after all.”

“My gonads have retreated so far, I swear I can taste my own balls.”

“Where the hell are we Rodan?”

“How am I supposed to know? I was drinking as much as you.”

“Also, where’s my car?”

“I remember you giving the keys to a redhead at the bar. She was supposed to take us all back to the hotel.”

“Oh hell no!”

“Seems we have an extra head here. Does anyone know who owns it? If you meet someone who is missing a head, tell them to contact the Committee for Public Safety, and it will be with our lost & found department.”

“My dearest Martha.
I will be going into battle against the enemy at dawn. The feelings in the regiment are mixed. Some say our new commander is too young & inexperienced, but others say not to be fooled by the colonel’s youthful countenance…”

- Letter written a soldier in 1743

You’re not the boss of me!

“Why did you call me all the way to Oa?”

“We suspect that you are not using your Green Lantern power ring responsibly.”

“While I am grateful for the birthday wishes children, it sadly reminds me that you are all too dumb to understand a calendar. My birthday is in June, not March, you dead eyed little turdlings. While Billy cleans the board I will dispense today’s educational beatings.”

Q: Why did the sign company fire you?

A: There was a mix up on the factory floor, some angry strippers stormed the factory, and I got blamed.

“Did I pass my driver’s test Mr. Jorgensen?”

“What do you think Billy?”

Brother Theodore always wondered why the other monks toiling in the scriptorium were copying texts of importance. Great works of philosophy, theology, and science, while Brother Theodore was on his tenth edition of The Truly Tasteless Joke Book.

A giant bat is telling Bruce Wayne a bad joke.

“Hey Bruce, did I ever tell you about this friend of mine who ate 9 cans of Alphaghetti in one sitting?”

“No, what happened to him?”

“He had to run to the bathroom and have the biggest VOWEL MOVEMENT the world had ever seen. HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Ireland has found a unique way to cut down on drunk driving incidents.

Your reminder that over a 125 years ago, cocaine was given out like aspirin.

I was visiting an enchanted forest, & met some satyrs, fairies, elves & other magical creatures.

There I learned that chocolate gives unicorns diarrhea.

Let me tell you, the shit hit the faun.

Today we honour Graham Crachah, the founder of the martial art Fuk-Yu. Run over by a combine harvester on this day in 1979.

“Big Bird, did you eat any of the mushrooms growing behind my trashcan?”

“Maybe a few. Why is Mr. Hooper’s giant head floating over Sesame Street?”

“Just stay right there Big Bird, I’m going to call you an ambulance.”

“I don’t need an ambulance, Mr. Hooper does!”

“Normally, there’s nothing wrong with my ma. Today though, I wish she remembered that there was a lobster left in this trap. Ouch! My toe!”

ROGER: This is your spaceship design?

JAMES: The hero will pilot this.

R: It looks like a turkey with boobs.

J: They’re technically battle testicles. For tea-bagging the bad guy’s spaceship.

R: I can’t believe you’re going to win an Oscar in 17 years.

J: What?

R: Nothing.

“Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
And we're flayin' alive, flayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, flayin' alive, flayin' alive!”

“Will you stop singing while we’re torturing you? It’s creeping everyone out.”

Moo…

“What music do you want for the drive St. Thomas Aquinas?”

“We’ve known each other for 30 years, you can call me Tom.”

“Okay Tom, it’s your turn to pick the station.”

“The alternative station is doing a Pixies retrospective.”

“Yes they are.”

“Then let’s hit the road.”

I remember seeing it for the first time when I was a little kid, and I had stayed up late to watch a special on experimental video on PBS.

“To do list:

Do NOT forget to buy some new shirts again.”

“Dammit Jim, quit beaming me up when I’m about to get busy with a sexy Andorian Engineer who is looking to check out my warp drive!”

“I’m sorry Bones, but the galaxy is in danger. So please tuck your wedding tackle back in your pants.”

“Never! It’s a matter of principle now!”