Dumpy: revoke security for Hillary and Kamala

Hegseth: ok bet, we gotta keep it tight

Hegseth: *sips whiskey* *opens Signal* hehehe

Deport me! lol please

I felt my liver hurting today and my first thought was, “Finally!”

I need one million dollars for this month’s bills

Why would I care what kind of music you like if your scream frequency matches mine then we’re a good fit that’s all that matters

I’m bringing Grave Digger Chic into 2025.

I can’t afford to get my nails done so they look like I’ve been digging in soil under the light of the moon.

Imagine those hands wrapped around your —

I don’t want to Girl Boss anymore!

I want to Child Nap on a foldable gym mat with a graham cracker and a glass of pineapple juice.

This Snow White remake better include some herbal remedies for the dwarves or I’m not watching.

They live in a forest full of herbs and that poor guy still sneezes all the time? That’s just rude.

Los Angeles, you can download an app called Watch Duty to keep abreast of the fire situation. It'll keep you updated and send you alerts. Stay safe out there. It's apocalyptic.

A screenshot of a New York Times update that says: In Grand Central Terminal, Leon Chang, 26, of Brooklyn, said he had not heard of congestion pricing and asked what it was. When explained it was a toll for cars entering Manhattan, he then asked “What do you mean? What is a car?” Walking outside, we showed him a vehicle parked on the street. He gently touched the hood of the car. “You wish to forbid these majestic beasts from entering the city,” he said in a wistful tone. “It is a folly of man. The desire to tame the world around us.”

where does the new york times even find these people

The cars on either side of my apartment complex parking spot disappeared a month ago and my first thought was that it was because of me. Something I did to make them move spots.

Turns out they both moved out.

Is anyone else like this

C-E-No, thank you for this position I want to live

People who used to steal lighters are now the people who steal phone chargers.

What if the underwater aliens were really our dads the whole time?

They didn’t go out for cigarettes they went to the underworld to escape paying child support.

This is my baby Tutu letting our dog walker know she hates her. She is 100% my daughter.

Listen…don’t.

I’m at a psychedelic conference and the way different people pronounce “psilocybe cubensis” is undoing years of healing inside me done by those beautiful fungi 🍄🍄‍🟫

We don't need more remakes of old movies. We need more MUPPETS remakes of old movies.

You know who else pardoned his son all of his sins?

I’m ok with this

No mother “accidentally” tells her son he’s a piece of shit when it comes to women.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

They need to criminalize abortion because they’re losing specimens from which they can steal fresh organs.

How tf you think trump isn’t footless from diabetes???

I'm a "closet freak" in the sense that all of my hangers are the same color, facing the same way, swaying in unison under the weight of the bodies.

idk why the winner of a ufc fight has to talk to joe rogan they should make the loser do that

You Know What The Fuck I Meant: A muting story

I love scary movies but living in one for 4 years seems a little excessive.

And the head trauma!

Hot take: football should be illegal.