the o in “hole” is really just there as an example

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

Ugh FINE I'll show up to work "sober" to lead the department of defense. YES without "sexually assaulting" everyone, christ anything else?

your body, my wonderland

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

origami man is very weak
but his power is in creasing

It feels great to be in my mid 30s and not having to pretend to be funny anymore

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

we’ll be back to the golden age of twitter in no time

Do not ever tell me about "buzz" words I don't need to learn bee language I have nothing to say to a bee

oh boy, here we go again

your body, my wonderland

“make bluesky what twitter used to be” just doesn’t really flow but, fuck it. let’s do this.

I want to promise you all that no matter how big this site gets, I will NEVER sell out to the makers of Windex, the world’s leading brand of glass and hard-surface cleaners, known and trusted for over 50 years

😨

meatloaf? sure

beefloaf? absolutely not

My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

something old
something new
something borrowed
mountain dew

In retrospect, switching my grandma's Life Alert pendant for her garage door opener was not as funny as I had hoped. Miss you Nana.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and tennis is all like fuck this lemon you take it

Baby bird *finishes hatching* Sorry… am I in a bowl of sticks? Am I in a fucking bowl of sticks a thousand feet off the ground right now, yes or no

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger gives you a note. It says "By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog." You look down. It's true.

Hells yeah

Charles Darwin seeing a great big turtle that’s slightly different to another great big turtle: Ah fuck. God doesn’t exist

realistic people: period products should be free for students

men in their 50s: if girls get free tampons, my 21 year old son Brandon shouldn't have to pay for nunchuck lessons

FOCUS GROUP: our only issue is the name…

GUY WHO NAMED GRAPE NUTS: [sets 2 grape nuts in front of a grape where its balls would be] but look tho

“blood sugar sex magik” is my favorite album about erotic magicians with diabetes

also the domestic violence scenes with his parents are very unintentionally hilarious

[first day at Domino's]

Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas

Me: haha

Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them

Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude

Me: I'm n-

Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?

Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

so who’s the guy who makes the “skip intro” button disappear on streaming sites? don’t worry it’s fine I just wanna talk to him