There's no way aliens look like that. Come on, man.

Nick Cave is a loser.

Must be hard for that one dude that only went to Epstein Island for the buffet and the bouncy castle.

Never got my head around people learning languages by watching foreign TV shows. I watched MasterChef in Germany for 45 minutes and all I got was "souffle", and that's French.

A screenshot of the Apple Music app showing a demo version of Abbey Road which displays the crossing as usual but all four members of The Beatles are missing.

I have had hard copies of music on my phone for years because streaming services have always been dog shit (you own nothing). The artwork I've chosen for the demo of Abbey Road is pretty haunting now that I look at it. I don't even like The Beatles that much.

Fucked up that one of the only places to buy sliced pizza to eat on the go is Gregg's, and it's only halfway decent for the first 45 seconds after it comes out of the oven.

I wasn't far off to be fair.

I can tell Ric Flair is who he is online because every word is capitalised. The rest of you I can't be sure.

Looking for a shop online that sells old cast and crew/staff T-shirts so I can buy some and feel like I was a part of something.

There is an itch that you get every three or four years and the only satiation is a lasagne from a takeaway. I'm due one soon.

Sick of the hoops you have to jump through to do almost anything online. Prove this, verify that, can't do that without a log in. I miss when the internet was confusing and hard to use. All I want to do is post dumb jokes that make people angry or confused. Fuck it.

I'm going to cut Tiny Chef into ribbons.

RIP dad, you would have loved mildly racist Rod Stewart.

They can train it all they want, but if you're learning about the Holocaust from a social media's AI assistant you're probably the reason everybody changes the subject when you walk into a room as it is.

You hear less about skin-on fries more and more these days, but you hear even less about their slower cousin, the elusive skin-on mash.

Tried to play the original Zelda game from 1986 on my phone's emulator but it was too hard for me so I gave up.

The shoes I ordered online have been delayed and this is bad news for me; the man who has one pair of shoes for limited occasions. My "everyday" Vans half cabs are now so worn that I could stand on a piece of gum on the pavement and tell you what flavour it was.

Suddenly sad that Batman would probably beat me up for piracy and my mild drug use.

Sleep uneasy Hulk Hogan, you bitch.

Watching a Steve Irwin deadliest lizard encounter compilation and listening to 808 State's "Utd. State 90" LP at the same time. They don't sync up in a spectacular fashion or anything, I'm just having a good time.

Had a cup of decaf tea last night but psychosomatically convinced myself it was normal tea and thus slept crap.

Bought the debut albums from both Cream and The Jam at a charity shop today. Great prices but as a British man I don't know which one to put on first.

Starting to think Tom Cruise might be one of the more normal ones in Hollywood, which is sort of like kicking the limbo bar under the table after you've knocked it off so nobody else has to do it.

With each passing year the more I'm surprised it isn't revealed in the news that WHSmith is run by Nuneaton's version of the Sicilian mafia. A can of Barr's shandy and a copy of Gardener's World should not cost £10.

Tonky Honk's prostrater skamtebord.

Also at the peak of a depressive episode made worse by receiving an email from Moonpig of all fucking things reminding me about Father's Day. I could even get a free card! With a coupon! Hit me like a stray parachutist.

Somebody isn't going to just upload over 40 tracks of music from Breaking The Magician's Code with The Masked Magician and not expect me to gobble it up immediately. The guillotine reveal song plays in my head at least once a week and has done since 1998.

Pornhub pulls out of France; France not pregnant.

A profile photo of internet entertainer Megan Amram pulling a face for the camera.

Had a dream last night that a new Dril had taken over and their profile photo was this one of Megan Amram but with the motion blur like the infamous Jack Nicholson and their viral joke was their household budget for dog poo bags was £600 but couldn't afford indoor plumbing.

Made a grilled cheese with so much onion and salt that I puckered like injections and felt very aware of each crack and fold in my lips. 9/10, would add honey mustard next time.