Taco Bell is weak on borders

If Star Trek is so woke why do they need multiple penal colony planets

Putting “money laundering” in the note for all my Venmo transactions until they are forced do something about it

that's planet Ice Italy, home of Italian Ice

Manchego Orchestra

I take issue with the claim Thomas the Tank Engine “willingly” became a train. As a convicted murderer he was given a choice of execution or the human to locomotive surgery. He gave consent on paper, technically true, but it wasn’t willingly

"i'm on the struggle bus today" bro i am driving the struggle bus. and if it goes slower than 55 mph it's going to explode

My wife isn’t going to be super thrilled about it but I think it’s pretty clear I should have a giant conveyor belt all through the house

Starting a business selling pressurized canisters of milk

While everyone is focusing on the Strait of Hormuz, the Ever Given has the chance to do the funniest possible thing a second time

you know what, go ahead and put in the newspaper that i got mad

(drifting off to sleep)

I bet living in a big strawberry isn't as great as it seems.

now, more than ever, we need an ominous giant head to appear on all screens worldwide and declare in a deep voice that our planet is going to be devoured

The matrix but both pills are diarrhea pills

Calling the judge “big dawg” until they’re forced to remove me from the courtroom

Secret third thing

Making tiny helmets and goggles for my rats so I can send them through the pneumatic tube system at the bank

(Interrupting a scientist presenting groundbreaking research) actually we don’t know shit about fuck

IT'S A STAR WAR NOW, COOP. THEY CAN BLOW UP PLANETS. WHOLE PLANETS BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS. IMAGINE IT COOP. NOW THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. I PLAN ON WRITING AN EPIC POEM ABOUT THIS. BUT LATER. RIGHT NOW I'M HOPING FOR SOME GOOD NEWS FROM YOU, COOP. IT'S AWFUL DARK IN SPACE AT THE MOMENT.

my doctor says it’s terminal unless I surgically remove the groove in my heart

Make the puking emoji more realistic, cowards

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

you can't make me live más

For eons, if you wanted to sit in a waffle pocket like a maple syrup hot tub, either you got shrunken way down or the waffle got blown way up. What if I told you there’s another way

Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he delivers his dad’s eulogy

3: Do you feel a little sick?
Me: Yeah.
3: Good

A record on a record store wall: “stock car demolition derby sound effects from islip (Long Island) speedway” the cover has photos of 1950s cars mid-derby

the record stays ON during sex

Starships move in 3 dimensions and don't *have* to face each other head-on, but I was still fired from Star Trek for making the ships look like they're 69ing each other

At 9:18, 3rd period of the Finland-Switzerland women's ice hockey QF game, the ice crew came to clean the ice during a pause

What follows is the funniest use of the slo-mo alternate angle tech I've seen them use during these Olympics of one of the crew members falling

watching tv this morning when my four year old turns to his father and says, “daddy? what’s cleveland?” you think you’ll have more time before these kinds of difficult conversations.