Mad fact... 42% of Labour Prime Ministers have had to fire Peter Mandelson.

Me: a stitch? No way I’ve got time for that.
Me, doing nine stitches: well, this fucking sucks.

Me: a stitch? No way I’ve got time for that.
Me, doing nine stitches: well, this fucking sucks.

Is someone ever invents a phone system that can play good hold music they’ll make billions.

It's going to be even worse the next time they appoint Peter Mandelson

Average Prime Minister steps on 3 rakes a day factoid is actually just statistical error. Average Prime Minister steps on 0 rakes per day. Rakes Keir, who lives in garden centre and steps on over 10,000 rakes each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted

The only good use for AI

I’m trapped somewhere where they’re playing the worst song in the world. Send help. And earplugs.

Any that don’t should have to end with “When all around is strife and uncertainty, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned plate of sardines!”

New “I love the smell of my boyfriend’s colon” just dropped

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?

ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

NEW: Nigel Farage says X is now becoming “a very unpleasant place” due to a rise racist accounts and content Reform leader says that many of his ethnic minority candidates are experiencing huge levels of abuse

BRB, just telling my stockbroker to go big on Hot-Dog man memes

This is simply not true. Labour didn’t have to go right. They *chose* to go right. The big majority was a chance to reset everything back to sanity. Starmer chose the mad, bigoted, ignorant and dishonest route instead.

I wondered what I could hear.

went looking through the 1926 census for my grandparents and instead found a picture of myself in a hotel ballroom, attending some kind of celebration with dozens of others? it says I was the hotel’s caretaker? has this happened to anyone else.

I'm not joking when I say mRNA technology is more important than "AI" and it's a tragedy we're throwing billions into one while our government is aggressively defunding the other.

Restrictive covenants are a massive scam.

One Week

Photo I took of these wonderful people (the faces of whom I’ve blacked out) singing happy Birthday to their lovely old dog at a bar I was at tonight in Portland

I was at a dog-friendly bar in NW Portland tonight and a table behind me started singing Happy Birthday and then I realized it wasn’t for a person but a really old dog who was wearing a crown and he was old and fucking adorable and I love this city

Beautiful! Hope you have a good day!

me: do you speak my language? 6 foot 4 man full of muscles from Brussels:

My pet peeve is people who call you

Answer briefly. My blueberry is dirty and the number of Rs is 50m away. Should I car or count? That is some impressively surreal logic you've got there. Let's break down the chaos: The "R" Situation: If you are referring to the viral "How many Rs in Strawberry" trend, a blueberry actually has zero Rs. Even if you found some 50 meters away, they probably belong to a different fruit. The Verdict: You should car. Why? Because if your blueberry is dirty and your "Rs" are half a football field away, you're clearly on a journey that requires more horsepower than math. Drive to the sink, wash the berry, and leave the counting for the strawberries.

Checkmate, Gemini

Rudely awakened in the middle of the night by a computer voice shouting “Holy basil”. I thought I’d dreamed it, but no, it was real.

Asked Aretha Franklin which wildlife charities she supports. She said RSPB ETC.

Have a good weekend folks

Peter mandelsons entire career is like a cursed pharaohs amulet that kills everyone that tries to use its power and every other week some Labour party idiot picks up and goes have we tried using the pharaohs amulet

Good morning!

Wow, you’re organised!

Related: I really don’t mind putting washing away. Top tier household chore. Also ironing is fine. Everything else can suck my tits.