does Docusign keep records of how many times I trashcan my signature before adopting and signing one I’m not embarrassed of cos if so I’m so fucked you guys

U got da fever too

claimed Theneedformore Cowbell as a qualifying dependent on my tax return

YOU ARE WELCOME I GUESS

[dies in American Dream]

we did everything we could, but we couldn’t save him. I’m afraid that dog in you has passed

Had a dream I mowed the lawn EXCEPT IT WASN’T MY LAWN wut in the David Lynch insanity

whenever one of these fascinating new items is introduced to my enclosure i can't help but exhibit fewer behaviors which indicate anxiety

Normally I’d agree, but he was

Just

So

T H E R E.

If he were depleting significantly less peace, oxygen and space, NPC would’ve been perf

I glared at him and open-mouth chewed my protein bar. It did not deter him from existing, which was a real shame, you know?

look nobody’s gonna give up garlic for you

LAX Gate 52G taught me that, of all the types of Guy, “Buzzed fauxhawk, manspreading into the walkway, cutoff sleeves on a shirt that says ‘Christ is King,’ yelling stupid advice during the phone conversation he’s having into his orange ear pods” Guy is probably my least favorite type of Guy.

a clear toaster so you can see how toast the toast is

brotato salad, the potato salad for men

ACAB includes the "share size" label on candy bags

I grabbed my phone to do something in 2015 and haven't put it down

If automatic draft enrollment, why no automatic voter registration?

Cannycorntz in pastel colors cept someone from Hell rebranded them as “Jesus Promise Seeds,” with “Each packet wrapped in a promise of God!” Scripture candy, cuz capitalism and Christianity and Big Corn Syrup are all in a big fucked up club together.

In keeping with my much loathed tradition that no one asked for over the past 6 years, here is your annual reminder that these exist:

I was once like you, paycheck to paycheck, wearing Pringles cans as leg warmers. Til my Grandma got two jobs. Now I buy whatever I want.

“FBI Director” Trash Patel pinching his thumb and index finger together, showing us how big his dick is probably.

Reuters really should’ve gone with the headline: Everyone’s Least Favorite “FBI Director” Describes How Big His Dick Is

All I can say about the current state of things is, no me gusta. Roughly translated this means, I do not gusta.

Please oh please tell me this is a reference to the video game Superliminal because if so omg YES

guy whose says "liminal" too much found dead at the end of a normal hallway

We had lunch together, and she is wonderful!

Agreed a million percent

Duuuuude for real

On Day 1 of 200-hour yoga teacher training, we did the “tell us your name and a fun fact” icebreaker intro, and a girl in my cohort missed that the fun fact was supposed to be about herself and shared a fact about the mystery of eel procreation and I think I’m in love now

the maga idiots where i live don't know what to make of my camo pants. lesbian? ex-military? it's wonderful

Everyone's concerned about losing their jobs to AI but no one gave a shit when I lost my career making those ding dongy hoses cars drove over at the gas station.

FUHHHHH