World record holder for biggest penis, he would need the world's biggest condom.

That being said I looked into it and apparently there is some controversy. Maybe his dick isn't the biggest. There's at least two other contenders but one was described by Wikipedia as "mostly foreskin"

Keep Jonah Falcon in your thoughts

If even one segment from Sportsdome gets brought back we'll be in a new golden age of Onion revivalism.

Jelly Roll has announced his next ten albums:

Keep My Jelly Rolling
Beautiful Thots, Broken Prayers
Nashville Sober
Addicted To Song
My Beautiful White Twisted Fantasy
Hole & Soul
Wife-tappin'
Yours Fornever (Bunnie's BuhBye)
Family Court
My Politics At Last feat. Lil' White

A math professor who's worldview allegedly shifted because he couldn't thrive alone in the wilderness, something he thought was a development of modernity and not a fact about the way humans and our primate ancestors have lived and thrived literally forever.

People liked to focus on his concern for ecology, but you'll notice he didn't send mail bombs to anyone who was responsible for ecological destruction.

One thing that really enraged me was when a bunch of people on the online left somewhat ironically adopted the Unabomber as an icon. A man who sent mail bombs to colleges because he thought they were controlling the masses through politically correctness. It's literally page 2 of his manifesto.

[Horniest twitch chatter to ever live voice] Wow, you've got a super chill community here. Love the vibes

Redditor by the username nunsploitation is interested to learn that a movie contains a depiction of a nun, but insists that there's more to what he does than just prowling the internet looking for movies with nuns in them (all he does is prowl the internet looking for movies with nuns in them.)

Reaching down for the hymnal behind the pew and instead discovering a worn copy of Scar Tissue. I gaze into the black and white photo of the lithe, writhing singer on the cover. Inside, something stirs that will never be unstirred.

He obviously speaks English, he's not hiding that. People get interpreters so they don't have to deal with the stress of speaking in a second language you aren't confident in.

The funniest thing Bluesky has done as a platform is add a 'translate' button to any post in a foreign language that, at least in my experience, only opens up a Google translate page. It does not translate the post you were looking at, just points you to the place where you can do it yourself.

I've always thought the Dark Souls/Bloodborne games epitomize 'games as art' because they tell a compelling and thematically rich story in a way that is unique to the medium, you couldn't get the same thing across in anything other than a video game. So good luck on the multiple movies I guess.

Reaching down for the hymnal behind the pew and instead discovering a worn copy of Scar Tissue. I gaze into the black and white photo of the lithe, writhing singer on the cover. Inside, something stirs that will never be unstirred.

Gorgeous, voluptuous woman:
"I'll be right back, I have to get something off my chest..."

Me, gulping:
Y- yes ma'am. (Internally) I hope it's not her tits...

I've been calling a lot of things foretold recently. "The wife foretold." I don't think I'm using it right but people seem to nod sagely when I say it. These are the kind of luxuries my privileged station in society grants me. Peons are always jotting things down after I speak.

Europeans love to tell you Celsius is better than Farenheit because it's easier to remember the freezing/boiling point of water. These are people who have made it easy to see an ice cube and, after some quick measurements, know with practical certainty whether it's frozen or not.

Gato gordo branco e laranja de pé sobre uma superfície alta de lado pra foto colocando uma patinha na parede e a outra puxando um parte do ar condicionado na parede parecendo olhar dentro do ar condicionado

te amo gatinho técnico de ar condicionado

Isn't it going to be awkward for Season 3 of Euphoria, since there's been so much time between seasons and now all the actors are grown up and aren't barely legal anymore?

Sobering to remember that no piece of art has ever or could ever have the same degree of impact on who I am as a person as when 6 year old me was introduced to Can't Stop by The Red Hot Chili Peppers. If we're vain enough to forget, the world humbles us with our own memories.

The tragedy of the commons is exemplified by any platform that allows comments under Onion posts.

If that's not what the tragedy of the commons means, don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure it's a concept cooked up by assholes anyway.

They did 'nintendont' for Israel?

My only punch up on Norbit is that they should take Eddie Murphy out of the title role

Wikipedia's daily featured article, Bridge.

I wonder who at wikipedia is the one who says, yes, today is the day. Today is the day we recognize the Bridge.

A lot of it just seems like unremarkable product of what happens when you treat religion as nothing more than a list of rules, and think of God as a bureaucrat who audits you to make sure you're part of the in-group. The faithless attitude of someone who's sense of hope was never tested by despair.

The other half is that they imagine that their conservatism is rooted in tradition, and not merely a reflection of what the entrenched status quo prefers. So they go for the oldest church they can think of and figure St. Francis probably would have hated Iran too.

The conservative, adult convert to Catholicism phenomenon happens mostly because those people imagine that since Catholicism is old, it must have more arcane and rigorous rules about who goes to hell and who has to die in a crusade, which for them is the entire point of having a religion.

Everyone who's mad at the Flyers for holding a "fundraiser night for ISIS", can you actually prove beyond a doubt that they understood the implication of 'Caliphate Night' when they agreed to it?

Of course you can't, you just want to get mad and prove that you're more educated than Philadelphians.

Can saintly people play videogames?

Thomas AIquinas, the Catholic chatbot: You can kill any dog in a video game.

Calling it a "sovereign nation" is such school essay behavior.