Got some shirts today

Musical hot take: reggae is just slow polka

420 on a Monday, proof we're in the worst possible timeline.

*Beatboxes

He would come back from 7-eleven with hundreds of Shaq flavor beatbox's

My BF: *realizing his small portion of my paycheck that I have direct deposited into his account posts prior to my own paycheck* You should just put it all in my account, then you can get paid two days earlier

Me: *laughing* You'd spend it before I would get it

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

Screencap from the show Wilfred showing Wilfred(a man in a dog suit) standing behind Ryan(a youngish man with clean cut brown hair played by Elijah wood). Ryan is labeled "me" and Wilfred is labeled "the urge to post some stupid shit"

A grid photo of 16 different characters all played by the legend Tim Curry.

Tim Curry, the absolute legend, turns 80 today. This man took huge swings.

All the dystopian movies are becoming real at once

I'm not the step-dad, or the dad that stepped up. I'm just the guy banging your mom on the weekends, champ.

This sounds right

Me: *speaking to a lifelong friend's spouse* I have never worked an air conditioned job.

Friend: BULLSHIT! You worked at AMC!

I need to come up with $4k in the next week

I don't even read the actual lines. There's no way I'm going to read between them.

you posted so bad it broke the app again, repent

I'm assembling this bike for an auction for charity at work and it has a bottle opener!

Hormuz-stuffed ravioli

In a cluttered office, there is an open banker’s box against the wall. Inside it is a hand puppet that looks like a blonde girl shielding her face with one hand. Sunlight is shining through the window above her head.

A box of puppets in my office came open overnight and it looks like one of those kids in The Others who’s allergic to sunlight.

just read the name on my Starbucks AI cup and it just says "KILL YOURSELF"

I told you then deleted

Spent all night with my bf and it was the best night

To be honest if you have never had to boot up a computer with a five inch floppy disk then you have had it easy and I think you're a pussy

The Pina Colada song is a great story of two terrible people realizing they are soulmates

Me: Are you sure this will make me feel better?

Therapist: *beeps*

Me: *retrieves Hot Pocket* If you say so

Sorry I unfollowed you I didn't like you

My favorite part of the apocalypse has been the constant fatigue

Saw Godzilla trending and got excited he might have been destroying my area

So this fella has come and said hello a couple times now