6yo drew a picture of a snake with a leash on so he won't get away. I don't have the heart to tell her it won't move by itself.

A moved sofa with a pile of toys and socks and dog hair underneath

time for our monthly Unboxing Adventure of “what’s underneath the sofa!”

absolute treasure trove today

Having a little treat before bedtime (antacids).

Hell yeah. New box.

The most annoying thing about eating a salad is that it is a salad.

Don’t pick up
Don’t pick up
Don’t pick up
Me every time I have to call someone

I'm starting to think I'm part robot, because I can never select all the correct images in a captcha on the first few attempts.

Movie theater employee: Sorry ma’am, you can’t bring that in here.

Me: it’s just a protein bar.

Employee: that’s an entire rotisserie chicken.

Me: exactly. Protein bar.

Me: If you like basketball, why don't we sign you up for a team?

8yo: Nah. I don't really like playing with other people.

I, for one, am glad that the streaming services are adding in commercials. These kids need to suffer as we have suffered.

Bahahaha

*listening to rap music*

7: mom, what’s a hoe?

me: um, it’s a term when someone wants to be mean to someone?

7: oh. In Minecraft we use it to move dirt

‘This is the worse day of my life.’

- my kid when asked to do one simple task.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

You’ve hit peak parenthood when you’re cleaning up pee in the middle of the night and genuinely think ‘at least it’s not puke.’

Me: It's 11pm - stop playing the recorder!

8yo: Oh. I didn't realize you could hear that.

My 5yo just stopped mid-play, said ‘hold on one second,’ walked outside, slid the door closed, and screamed at the top of his lungs.

Valid. Carry on, king.

*spends 4 hours in kitchen making a gourmet meal*

Kids: This is gross.

*spends 15 minutes making a meal with 5 ingredients*

Kids: This is the best dinner you’ve ever made!

My 19-year-old son ordered an Arnold Palmer at lunch. When we got home, his AARP card had already arrived.

(boss pulling me aside) I need you to stop saying Lucky whenever anyone calls out sick

6yo: Let's go to Target.

Me: I'd rather not. I don't have any makeup on.

6yo: It's ok. Only the locals will see you.

Might give up on shoveling. This is our life now, we live amongst the snow.

Let’s go out to dinner without the kids . . . and then spend all night talking about the kids

My 4yo is pretending to be a shopkeeper at a shoe store and her 8yo brother is the customer. He’s short on cash, so she’s offering to sell him each shoe separately. Now that’s how a business ensures they get repeat customers.

*8yo playing football; decides to take a break

Me: Do you even know how to play football?

8yo: No. I just run and tackle people.

Surround yourself with the kind of people who find the Oxford comma to be illuminative, beautiful, and necessary.

Making bacon disappear . . . what's your superpower?

My red flag is not understanding why I'm not skinny after doing 1 squat.

Every store is sold out of sleds, so I’m going to see if our molded rubber car floor mats will work. We also have sumo inflatable hamster ball things. What could go wrong?