If I mirrored one of your shoes, you would notice very quickly

But if I mirrored both, it would take quite a long time

If you build a house in a casino, who wins?

Polyamophemus be like: why is Nobody in my polycule

Super glue bottle: use gloves while applying
Me: do I look like a nerd

Me, 5 minutes later: I think Katamari Damacy was based on a real story

Until the subway train arrives, both the people on and off the train wait behind the yellow line. A moment arrives, where some cross that line. But then they are simply behind the line again. Eventually, most people simply give up and leave station, only to try again another day. The cycle repeats.

i may get a little silly sometimes, and i may not always be on my best behavior, and i may not be perfect, or ideal, or even always living up to the standards i set for myself. i may be a little bit of a fool now and then, and i may have forgotten to leave enough characters at the end of this, but i

computer scientists be using terms like "silicon wafer" "gold plating" "micro chips" and then get mad when i start chewing on the device

"Waiter? There seems to be a fly in my bowl of ointment."

This is one of those situations where we're gonna have to crack a few omelets and buy some more eggs

People say "it's always the last place you look" but they never talk about how it's also always the 1st place you leave it. When you have something and you leave it somewhere and then you leave it somewhere else, it's actually in the first place because you didn't have it to leave it the second time

Before you embark on a journey of self discovery, dig two graves.

me when im in a competition and my opponent would seem to be better than me at the task because of their background

I could go for a succulent Chinese meal right now

pronouns are when you want to say it but you dont want to say it because you already said it so you say something else but its the same thing but its not

pumping my chicken full of vaccines and NyQuil like a piñata. kablooey.

Bee removal? That's just the process of removing bees from a location.