I'm looking at a picture of the back of my head for what must be the first time in my life. I know it's me, but it's completely unrecognizable for obvious reasons.

Me, interrupting someone's poem:
Wait, why aren't violets violet?

My least favorite genre of internet is dumb asshole talking into a foundation brushcore.

That's Baltimore.

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable.
Someday, I hope I’ll be a bouillonaire.

My ex threatened to break up with me if I bought Velcro shoes. I made intense eye contact the entire time at checkout. Sure enough, three months later, she died in a boating accident.

My therapist could tell something was bothering me during our last virtual visit.

"Normally my cat would have come to sit in my lap by now."

Not only that, but they actually expect you to show up sober. I put my keys in the donations basket, and then they wouldn't give them back.

I've never sung a rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart" called "Icky Sicky Butt" while having diarrhea, and you couldn't prove it even if I had.

Journey to the Center of the Smurf

I give all interested parties permission to use this movie title.

I can't believe the Department of War would do something like this.

Can you just tell by seeing who js wearing conically oversized Drew Carey specs?

I knew someone who actually died on a hill. I refused to attend the funeral because I don’t reward clichés.

If you can't trust a soccer league's judgement on what makes a peaceful person, can you really trust anything at all?

If you can't trust a soccer league's judgement on what makes a peaceful person, can you really trust anything at all?

My wife asked why I looked so troubled and my response was, "In Batman Forever, Robin does his laundry all crazy like it's martial arts, and I thought it was cool at the time, but it's actually really lame, and his shirts are probably all stretched out."

They might sell more cereal if they included the last line of the verse, "You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side."

@dasharez0ne.bsky.social You incorrectly use apostrophes when pluralizing, and I don't know if it's intentional or not. Otherwise, these are great.

🜅☈⍻⏧

The irony of being trapped under a fallen refrigerator is that once the shock wears off, hunger sets in. After two days, I started eating pieces of a macaroni snowman my nephew had made for Christmas. By day five I'd eaten the construction paper, two credit card bills, and my cousin's save-the-date.

The irony of being trapped under a fallen refrigerator is that once the shock wears off, hunger sets in. After two days, I started eating pieces of a macaroni snowman my nephew had made for Christmas. By day five I'd eaten the construction paper, two credit card bills, and my cousin's save-the-date.

Across the Spider-Verse came out in 2023 with a cliffhanger ending.

"Karate Chicken" sounds like the whitest Midwestern way to order Kung Pao.

"Karate Chicken" sounds like the whitest Midwestern way to order Kung Pao.

I'm on your side, but I just want to point out that you're using masculine pronouns when referring to a person who literally has "they/them" under their name in every screenshot.

A low effort mspaint edit will always be funnier than an AI generated photo, and I will die on that meme hill.

I consider myself a smart person, but I also don't know what granola is. I eat granola. A lot. But when the world ends, and I get a hankering for granola, I guess I'll start looking at pine cones to see if they have anything to do with it and go from there.

Film historians excited about 1930 footage discovered at IU Library Archives The 1930 horror film “The Cat Creeps” has been lost for over 90 years - until now.

This much closer to one day seeing 1930's "The Cat Creeps."

Of all the oat milks I've tried, Oatly is probably the most like real milk. It also has the best mouth-feel.