Started seeing a dream therapist. It's so much cheaper than a real one.

I would love to chat about nanotechnology but I'm no good at small talk.

I paid £179 for a DNA home test kit to check if I have a genetic predisposition for gullibility.

Every day I take three different placebos to make sure I get the full effect.

I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD
HER HUSBAND'S TOILET'S MADE OF GOLD.'

Farage says, "this is far bigger than the Profumo Scandal..."

Well he would, wouldn't he?

I can't believe he lied to the vetting committee. How can they be expected to deal with that sort of thing?

They keep saying 'his days are numbered', but that's true of anyone who owns a calendar.

Current political coverage.

Every political scandal has its own Mandy.

Farage says, "this is far bigger than the Profumo Scandal..."

Well he would, wouldn't he?

I can't believe he lied to the vetting committee. How can they be expected to deal with that sort of thing?

Bought a book on the life-changing magic of tidying up, but it was cluttering up the place so I had to throw it out.

Penis-gait? No, it's just the way I walk.

They keep saying 'his days are numbered', but that's true of anyone who owns a calendar.

I am officially calling for a vote of no confidence in the current version of reality.

Standing outside Pavlov's Dogs Home wondering whether to ring the doorbell.

If you want to know what’s going on in the oceans, check out their seashell media.

My yoga instructor walked out half-way through the session, which has left me in a very difficult position.

Education in the US is so underfunded they can only afford a single math

I was recently diagnosed with aphantasia. Difficult to imagine, I know.

Latest developments from the sinking ship.

I've already thrown mine in the bin.

Current political coverage.

I was in the library flicking through books when I got flashed by one of their speed reading cameras.

I got 3 points on my library card and a 60 pence fine.

This is undoubtedly the biggest political scandal since last week.

I am my own worst critic, which is something I find to be both clichéd and derivative.

A ‘sorry you’re leaving’ card showing a horde of knitted characters all smiling broadly and looking decidedly chipper

You don’t look too fucking sorry

Maybe it developed consciousness and felt it was the best thing for everyone.