As a newly qualified palaeontologist I have a lot to learn! Firstly, why did dinosaurs sleep under rocks?

[Creation]

Angel: “Only two legs?”

God: “YUP”

Angel: “But won’t they keep falling over?”

God: “I KNOW! LOL”

[overheard] *tinnitus*

Proud moment! Overheard my new boss saying "literally nothing" could replace me

Reinforce learning by repeating mistakes

Imagine being Charles Darwin, and, for 20 years, sitting on a secret so revolutionary it fundamentally changes mankind’s understanding of Life? That’s how I feel about my skeets

Spring’s in the air! It’s great to wind down the windows and feel the breeze in my eyebrows

Netanyahu’s only got one ball

Archaeologists, speaking tonight at the library, aren’t really interested in ghosts and they say my evidence of poltergeists is “normal dog behaviour”

[*looking-up from my phone to make sure life is still passing me by*]

*opens up your fridge and sees you have 2% milk* hey bro you need to charge your milk

The heart is where the groove is stored

I think I should have more followers and better engagement but over 40 million Bluesky users disagree

So true, but I’m mainly in it for the smiting

I just finished reading the Old Testament and I’m a bit like God

Send me money and I’ll tell you God will save you (tax free)

How dare they say I’m not humble? I know everything there is to know about humbility

A nose job is when you jerk someone off with your nose

every so often a problem comes along and ruins your whole life. i am that problem.

12 April 2026 YouTube video by Toby Stewart

“Archaeologists” now believe these exposed ruins are “probably Roman”

#archaeology #Liverpool

youtube.com/shorts/3Xvn0...

Some say I’m “living the dream” but, actually, getting this good on a pogo-stick has taken its toll on normal family life

10/10 for the Alt notes on a reply 👊🏻

Have we tried leaving Trump in a room with an upturned rake and letting nature take its course?

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! Avoid Unity and Do or Don’t Rise Up Against Circadian Oppression

Burnt my finger tips cooking a perfect time for a crime spree.

Heart monitor logbook to log symptoms or explain heart factors

VA doc has me wearing a heart monitor for the next 14 days so I'm gonna need to hit the button and then log shit like "stepped in to prevent a bar fight" or "was gifted a bump of cocaine"

I’m dead inside. It’s so nice when it finally happens

[*inventing religion*]

“Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain”

Cigarettes that moan when you smoke them