You say "pervert with a telescope." I say "biological astronomer."

People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger.

Please don't start calling me "hero", but this lady slipped and fell at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean-up in Aisle 3.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

"Honey! I made pancakes!" and other terrifying things my unsupervised husband says

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

In case anyone hasn't told you today: I'm beautiful

Whenever I post something great and nobody responds right away, I assume it's because everyone spontaneously stood up to applaud and cheer.

I V E M U R D E R E D S E V E N P E O P L E......would be a fun eye chart for an optometrist to have...

This was gonna be a remarkably funny status before I was so rudely interrupted by a jogger brutally bouncing off my front windshield
Thanks a lot dick

[texting]
John G Kearney: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
John G Kearney: Why don’t you just eat it
Me: BECAUSE IT’S BUSY DANCING, JOHN

I'll never forget that amazing, erotic, honeymoon night that I spent with what's his name...

Isn't it funny that marriage and insanity both involve commitment and white clothing?

My husband thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.

a teddy bear is holding a red box that says happy anniversary on it ALT: a teddy bear is holding a red box that says happy anniversary on it

Happy Anniversary to my one and only soulmate. You never cease to inspire me to be a better person. Being with you these last 15 years has been magical and I cant imagine my life without you. You are everything to me. 14 Years married, 15 years since we met.

I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...

I couldn't get the Bluetooth in my car to connect to my phone on my way home last night, so I had to listen to regular radio basically like some sort of Amish person.

[Police Line up]
Husband: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: 😂
Victim: 😭

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.