Finding out a second-cousin committed suicide last week and really feels like something is going around

Trying my best

The urge to check out at 30

Now both physically sick and mentally sick

Constantly reminded why I can’t have a gun in my house

I just have to accept that I’ll never reclaim the social circle I once was able to have

Do worry I’m going to end up with no plans of anyone for my birthday at this point and that spirals me further

And then I feel bad because there are some people who haven’t yet, but that nagging is still there because it keeps happening

Feels like the more someone gets to know me, the more like they are to leave

Floating

The feeling that it’s only downhill

Trying hard to make social plans happen for them to fall through or continue but without me

Learning how long I can disappear, last year,without anyone noticing has never left me

I need a good cry

It’s a bad spiral

Always fun learning about plans that exclude you in a friend group

Sometimes I wonder if I could have been doing something that actually gave back to me

One downside of the launch, is it’s really not good to spiral post there rn lol

Maybe I should have just been burying myself in my work

It still feels so bizarre that some of my most consistent people that want to physically hang are people from my more tech bro days

I need to stop putting so much energy into relationships that don’t seem to be reciprocal in that

Feel like the kind of friend who is there until a better friend comes along

My chest feels tight

I don’t know how to fix it, but I can’t keep doing it

Frustrated with feeling like a bystander in my own social relationships

One of those nights where the start of the week is a reminder of how temporary friendships can be

Did I spend my 20s how I should have?

What if I’m making all the wrong choices

Late night spiraling I’m going to try to sleep off

Feeling both overwhelmed and simultaneously empty