My resolution this year is to lose 15 pounds. As of today I only have 20 more to go.

Everything I want is either too expensive, illegal or doesn't text me back.

Why do we pronounce the “G” in longevity twice?

I'm trying to make myself a snack and my pizza says to "bake for 18-21 minutes". How do I bake sometime for -3 minutes?

If you are autistic and take Tylenol, do you get pregnant?

There are many reasons why I don't like
Facebook. The biggest one is the "memories" feature because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

When the Hulk goes into a vicious rage and destroys everything, "he's incredible". When I do the same thing, "I'm an bad drunk".

I don't want to adult today. I don't even want to human today.

Today, I want to Goat.

I'm going to eat all day and lie in the backyard and head-butt anyone who tries and stop me

If you are mourning Hulk Hogan today instead of Terry Bollea, you know how to accept a trans persons new name

We should have listened when the modems screamed at us.

I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Linkin Park concert. We tried so hard and got so far but, in the end, it didn’t even matter.

I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Your hand is bisexual.

In my defence, I was left unsupervised

I don't buy cookies or cakes because I'll sit there and eat them all. And yet everyday I look in the cupboard and I'm disappointed I don't have any cookies or cakes.

I'VE DECIDED ON MY NEW CAREER. I'M GOING TO BE A BACKWARDS STRIPPER.
I COME ON THE STAGE NAKED AND PEOPLE PAY ME TO PUT MY CLOTHES BACK ON.

So we are getting a tree cut out of our backyard and they are going to remove the stump by grinding it out. I looked at the guy and told him he lost a glorious opportunity to name his business/service “Stump and Grind” and he gave me a look like I was either a genius or an idiot.

So the person that I pay once a week to pick up poop in my backyard just figured out that I don’t have pets.

a cartoon of pinky and the brain with the words " the same thing we do every night pinky try to take over the world " ALT: a cartoon of pinky and the brain with the words " the same thing we do every night pinky try to take over the world "

Are Pinky and the Brain still trying to take over the world? Because it this point I’m willing to listen to the Brain’s platform.

You wouldn’t believe some of the answers. Good job 👍

Z + Z x Z = 20. Solve for Z

Let’s see if my math geek friends remember their studies. This was on a Harvard entrance exam.

What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAAAINS

Why is pink considered to be a totally different colour than red but light green is considered to be a lighter shade of green?