GUYS THEY'RE ALMOST BACK FROM BEHIND THE MOON, EVERYONE HIDE

Me: I just finished my time machine

Friend: are you gonna go back and kill baby hitler?

Me: no I'm gonna do something even more important

[25 years ago at a cafe]

Me (in waiter outfit): the world is gonna roll you

Smashmouth guy eating crepe: [drops his fork]

Morning Kitten

Dolphin spinning the Wheel Of Fortune wheel.

Wheel Of Fortune Contestant Keeps Asking For An E

—Holding out a fried egg.

Is this your card?

A fluffy white cat with gray markings lies on a wooden table. A glass between its front paws is being filled with red wine from a bottle.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

A Scrabble board with a rack of seven E's in the foreground. Hack photoshop by yours truly.

me: you go first

dolphin: oh man you are so fucked

ME: It's a kid's movie about a dragon who disguises himself as a nanny

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Mrs Mouthfire

HIM: Get out

A google maps view of the area around the Strait of Hormuz, with crude markup showing the 4 steps to successfully clearing the strait: 1. Build up speed 2. Hit Trampoline 3. Cool backflip 4. Nail the landing The boat is illustrated using a clip art yacht, and the trampoline is also just kind of floating there.

wait. wait. everyone hold on. i've solved it

Missed Opportunity:

If your last name is a Whittaker and you own a flower shop, and you don't call it "Florist Whittaker"

Picture 1: doctor looking at chart tells patient, "Your body has run out of magnesium." Picture 2: patient replies with a smile, "0mg"

If ninjas aren’t real, how do you explain me getting my ass kicked by a kid wearing a ninja costume

Your secrets are safe with me because I really, really don’t care.

GM 🖤

Don't let anything stop you today

ME: [texting wife] How did you get on at the doctor.

HER: Type 2 diabetes

ME: 2 diabetes

HER: Don't be there when I get home.

interviewer: how are your listening skills?

me: absolutely

A bear faces two fisherman standing in a lake.

“Well fellas, whichever one of you is faster will have a great story to tell.”

For the record, I didn’t fuck around and I am nevertheless being made to find out.

who is this rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We're at a wedding, Sharon.

If Walz were VP, he could have taken Zelenskyy ice fishing. They could have had a few beers and maybe a friendly argument about whether Kyiv or Minneapolis is colder in winter.

One time I was on a date and when she told me she was an army chef I said 'so you're in the mealitary' lol and then she put me in a headlock and threw me out the window.

i wonder if trebeck’s wife was ever like “i’ll take ‘the d’ for $400, alex” or were they humorless

Telling my dentist I acci-DENTALLY hit her Mercedes while parking

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Most Looney Tunes characters are effectively indestructible but I don’t think that’s true for Pepe Le Pew. I bet if you ran him over with a car he’d just die.