sorry everyone. My new favorite action figure broke, and now I’m desolate. It was a mint condition Gordon Ramsey from Hells Kitchen Season 12.

#apology #gordon #hellskitchen i hope all this social media doesn’t wake up my wife

have you guys seen that #nosferatu yet? i heard a rumor that #vampires aren’t real, but i don’t tend to buy into #conspiracy theories

finally discovered a new #island. this #expedition stuff is really hard. did you guys know that #boats require fuel now? what ever happened to sails?

what if I’ve reached my #peak. it’s all downhill from here. pre-order #SpiderMan: Eat my Home digital edition using my personalized link: www.spiderman.com/orderthespidermanmovieplease

fiddler on the roof review: not enough #roofs. not enough #fiddlers. where’s your goddamn integrity #hollywood.

the #state shouldn’t have a #monopoly on violence. they should give the monopoly to me. I’m a trustworthy guy.

here’s my weekly #baseball tweet everybody. here’s a tip for the first #basemen out there: if you catch the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out (in the game, not like in a #closeted context)

hey everybody quick update: some #cryptid (dont know which) kidnapped my #wife last night and wants $800,000 for her safe return so if anyone would like to #sponser future posts please let me know

how soon before announcing step 2 of a #plan should I announce step 1? i’d really like to get the #timing right on this or my investors are gonna be pissed

🚨🚨🚨 MAJOR ALERT: EVERYONE BREAK YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW !!!

does anyone have any #plans tomorrow #evening? my wife and i would like to go out to #dinner but my stupid grandson #mervin doesn’t have anything to do so can i pawn him off on one of you? he likes #baseball but please dont give him any dairy he’s lactose intolerant

i think it’s pretty #fucked up that they don’t let black people post on #Facebook. it’s really weird that it’s just sort of something you’re expected to accept. well guess what, liberals, im not so easily controlled #free #politics #gaming ok google show me casserole recipes

me: hey dave. you disgusting freak. fat piece of shit. do you know how to turn on the copy machine

dave: button on the left

me: wow.. thank you. i see now that being different is your strength. you are brave & strong. i love you dave. would you like to join the boys & i later for some People Games

they made Gerald Witcher a girl in the new game, so I threw my Xbox out the window and it killed a small dog, and now everyone's mad at me for having an opinion

ok mervin: when is #baseball coming back. sometimes i need to ask my grandson mervin to look up #questions for me and oh my god not until March what the fuck im #pissed at least the cubs are playing, they’re pretty neat

if it’s still available can I order some #mozzarella sticks. no I don’t need any sauce I have too much #sauce 🥫at home already. #italian #pizzahut #gaming

my wife is #missing again. if anyone sees her please let me know we’re supposed to be going to her friends’ #charity gala and i think it will be fairly awkward if i show up without her.

#wifeguy

this reminds me of when I failed my political science final in college because I brought a volcano to class and the professor said that it was a different kind of science

hey everyone i have a huge update on my mount rushmore replica project, “Mount Rushmost” where we carve the most #presidents into a big rock wall: we’ve finally started on dwight #eisenhower, that #bald bastard. stay tuned im gonna start james #garfield and his big beard soon

#diy #mountrushmore

one time my brother did this to me. i wont get into any of the gruesome medical details , but let’s just say im not rushing to get him out of that well he fell down a few days ago

and theyre charging for sitting down at the movie theater now? used to be you could just walk into the theater and if you stood behind the back row menacingly enough they would leave you alone. now they threaten you with their fancy city lawyers.

spiderman didn’t write the bible i don’t know where you get your news but i think you should consider seeking out higher quality sources

(beeping and booping noises) finally…. my machine is ready. all of you #haters that said I could never accomplish anything will be proven #wrong

#invention #engineering shit it just fell over everything’s ruined and my moms gonna make fun of me again

here’s my official review of #marvelrivals new video game 🎮 : i havent played it yet but my grandson mervin and my wife natasha really like it. im not sure ill give it a try though; i haven’t touched a #marvel property since they killed stan lee #gaming #review

congrats man. i tried to play this new game “monopoly simpsons edition” with the family but we realized its just a rip off of monopoly. the parker brothers should sue.

i also would like a poll feature, it would let me run my famous chili contest virtually. so far tho, no one is willing to ship me their chili. i guess theyre right that it wouldn’t do too well in the cardboard box.

one day you’ll see what it’s like to live in my #shoes. theyre very spacious. two bed and two bath. rent starts at 1200 a month #landlord #tenant #realestate

if they make another fucking #spiderman movie im gonna flip out. theres like 10 spider man movies but no one’s made a movie about johann gutenburg yet. thats crazy. #movies #musings #johann what’s everyone’s favorite johaan gutenburg moment

just ate some raisins

did Popeye ever eat spinach or was that a dream I had