“Marry your cousin. Eh eh eh Simon didn’t say!”

Rudy Giuliani: 😡😤😖

I usually use this site to make silly little jokes but I’m asking for a recommendation for a good barber in Brooklyn. I’m looking for one of those old fashioned places that does straight razor beard trims, hot towel face massage, kisses on the cheeks/mouth. Let me know if you all know of one.

Don’t forget what happened to the man who ate a whole bottle of Flintstones vitamins.

He lived happily ever after.

For sale: half bowling ball, never used.

What if we kissed in the Upper Deck 2025 NHL Draft Draft House? 🫣 #nhldraft

I’m gonna self promote for a second if I may. My band just played our first gig at Walgreens for 12,000 people. Blessed.

That happened to me with a Rolling Rock.

a man in a brown jacket talks to another man in a kitchen ALT: a man in a brown jacket talks to another man in a kitchen

Jerry: “Backstreet’s back?

Kramer: “Backstreet’s back alright.”

*Laughter at an unimaginable volume.

Sometimes I wish Abbott and Costello had been eaten by that Frankenstein.

I don’t mean that, I’m just angry right now.

The Browns just announced that they will be retiring Shedeur Sanders’ number.

“The proof is in the pudding.”

“Uh oh.” - The Fat Dumb Detective

They raised the price of Arizona Iced Tea to $99. #Ugh #😤

“Can you make it look like just like a random splattering of paint, in just like a bunch of different directions?”

Jackson Pollock: “Ummmm. I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.” 🤭

I really did not need this today.

Ash Ketchum is such a funny name. It would be like if my name was Addison Ketchum (I’m also a Pokémon trainer).

Imagine Dragons (the action)

*Guy waking up from coma.*

Me: “Oh! I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

‘Deadarse’

I just want to clear this up:

Frankenberry is the doctor who created the monster.

Frankenberry’s Monster is the guy on the box.

I’m sorry, a stitch in time saves how much?

I just want to clear something up real quick.

Frankenstein’s monster truck belongs to the doctor.

Frankenstein’s Monster’s truck belongs to the monster.

And yes, it is a Ford F-150.

Happy Valentines Day! Remember that I’m the only person that truly loves you and I always have your best interests at heart. ❤️

Me, guarding the entrance to the club: “Yes. You may enter, if, you can solve my riddles three.”

Frat Bro: Three riddles huh? Alright. Lay ‘em on me.”*

*He solves them easily 😣

Fast? Not if I haven’t eaten.

What if your tummy does in fact hort though?

*Bro using Bugles to pretend he has witch fingers.

Me: “Bro. Seriously, stop now.”

Doctor: He coughed up a lung.

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: No, no! It’s a good thing. The lung was the thing causing the blockage.

Me: You’re a good Doctor.

Doctor: Thanks