The follow up to ‘It’s My Party (and I’ll cry if I want to) as a diss track, and other curiosities I have curated in my bid to define the formula for the perfect petty act. #ChiefPettyOfficer is coming to Lancaster Comedy Festival for one day only tomorrow. Tell your friends. Please.
If I saw you in the street wearing them, I would stop you and ask where you got them. Gorgeous and you’d look great
‘Hail girls’
‘Hail Mary, what’s up?’
I don’t know the names of people I work with, but I could do a full, unrehearsed version of this.
He received my disgruntled text first thing Sunday morning as well.
Hahaha actually secret other option of living in his dystopian out of contact world. Tried to renew, a hard search was done on my credit rating, then the transaction failed so now I can't apply again for a few months or I'll lose points.
Lets draw a discreet veil over the fact I have had to log in to Bluesky on my work machine to share this insight...
My phone won't charge consistently (wire has to be at an exact angle) meaning I have to preserve tiny shards of battery to do basic functions, cutting back on my screen time against my will. It's now died and I'm not sure if it's coming back and I feel a weird sense of peace I haven't felt in ages.
You might be thinking? But noooo I live in Lancaster / Sheffield / Chippenham / London / Leeds / Barry Island! Good news! Chief Petty Officer is coming to your town. What do all these things have in common? Why is this song so catchy? We’ll cover it all.
Know someone petty who lives in Brighton? Are YOU someone petty who lives in Brighton? Comedy lecture on the history of petty in pop culture introducing my ‘scientific’ theory on how to achieve peak petty as part of @brightonfringe.bsky.social ‘Chief Petty Officer 23rd May #comedy #brighton #petty
Well if it isn’t the consequences of my actions…
I *did* arguably have a childish tantrum about it, which is ideal now I am returning with the ID I don’t think I actually needed. Not mortified at all.
Do they test for jobsworthing at interviews for working at the post office? ‘Sorry, we have to decline your application for this branch as you are unfortunately too reasonable.’
Anxious my coat-on-bag-on-table hasn’t displaced woman in aisle seat blocking me in on the train. I am a 41 year old woman internally mantra-ing ‘use your words’
So sorry that has happened to you x
13th May at Queer Comedy Club in London. Probably my only London WIP.
Very much looking forward to collaborating with my favourite comedian / writer / private investigator. Leah Vicks & Hugh Flounder @watsoncomedian.bsky.social present new material - including, but not limited to, my study on history and cultural significance of pettiness (with a graph & clipboard)
My cat tried to pack one of his toys in my laptop bag. He is such a thoughtful little gentleman.
Why is this character on the mango chutney lid? What is he? Is he a sausage? Very different aesthetic to rest of the jar - did someone draw him on???
I was convinced this was an ad for swinging. And it was just boring old holidays. Catfished.
TW weight loss. I’ll be honest, the sheer volume of noise on skinny being the new (old) normal, have brought a dark past mindset back to the surface, and I am bullying myself A LOT at the moment. That said, occasionally pics like this get taken and I think maybe thin isn’t the only route available
One day I will go to my spiritual home.
I do not have my laptop with me, it’s the fine 😂
We are excited to try the souffel. Lack of accent suggests this is how it is pronounced
Still waiting for Gordon to weigh in one that
Oh FFS. 100 quid tax for being a shambles
At Gordon Ramsay’s new restaurant and it has been glorious except for one absolute daylight robbery tofu bao, which has knocked it down to a 3.5/5 - retaliated by going to town on the Diptyque hand lotion - full arm coverage. I will have my value, in this life or the next.
Someone just asked for help with directions and I KNEW THE ANSWERS. What a rush.
It is a joy and a privilege to get to be part of Knightmare Live - I loved this show so much as a kid. Thank you Leicester.
