If you aren't repeatedly measuring the dimensions of the room and blacking out the windows with newspaper to the hum of TV static while scribbling runes on the walls with ichor and UV paint, you aren't paying attention.

Just got my 23 and me results back. Turns out I'm a cunt

My wife was lining up her Amazon shows earlier and I accused her of being involved in organised Prime so tonight I’m sleeping in the shed

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I forgot the word “tourniquet” so I called it a first aid scrunchie.

"I'm not upset," my wife said, digging a large rectangular hole in the backyard.

your secret is safe with me bc what were we talking about

Don't tell anyone but sometimes I tuck my phone into my bra and listen to an audiobook while I take my dogs for a walk

*turning to the person I just sat next to on the bus, loudly*

I smell like deodorant!

When they invented that vertical space in which elevators would operate it was a real paradigm shaft.

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms.
She knows what she did.

This post has no meaning, but you’ll like it because it’s free.

YOU’RE NOT A LATE BLOOMER IF YOU NEVER BLOOM

DO PEOPLE GETTING IN ELEVATORS KNOW HUMANS CAN ALSO BE GETTING OUT??

my lack of interest is acting up again

hey baby, can I come over and power wash your deck later

let’s go on a date, I’ll meet you by the sewer and I’ll be the one with the red balloon

Sorry I accidentally liked your selfie and your girlfriend got mad, I was licking salsa off my phone

I keep clutching my pearl necklace but my hands get so sticky.

Fuck it send

they should make a bluesky where people stay up late on friday

Too many notifications, not enough yestifications.

When the going gets tough, I don’t.

To do list:

1. Pretend it’s the apocalypse
2. Watch the billionaires scurry off to their bunkers
3. Brick up the entrances
4. Relax

Meth lab is short for method acting labradoodles.

Don't put off to tomorrow what you can get away with not doing at all.

The 5 stages of Man:

1) drink from boobs
2) stare at boobs
3) play with boobs
4) grow your own boobs
5) what are boobs?

*fondly recalling the days when I didn't need to stop for a breather before putting on the second sock*

maybe quesadilla cheese is the glue that will hold all this together

If you have peach trees in your back yard, I’m officially accepting offers to spend the summer with you.

No normies.

I correctly sung the lyrics to a pearl jam song and all the doors started rattling