But they were all of them deceived, for another energy drink was made. In the land of Boca Raton, Florida, the Dark Lord Celcius forged in secret a Fifth Loko, to control all others. And into this drink he poured his cruelty, his malice, and High Noon Vodka.

I solved the male loneliness epidemic with a $10 book and a park bench. You're welcome.

..........is that a fucking jojo reference

You're overthinking it

Sometimes you don't truly appreciate what you have until it's gone.

Such as– to make up a hypothetical example– the sound guy on adult film sets whose job is to make sure the batteries are changed in all the smoke alarms. Hypothetically.

Love how every website has an "Open in App" button that's just a straight-up fucking lie.

The lesser-known cousin of post nut clarity is when you take a bite out of a block of cheese straight from the fridge, then cut around the teeth marks to make it look like you didn't.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to join his ranks. He was pale, had a young face with perfect skin, didn't wear crosses, and wouldn't come inside without an invitation.

Dunno if he was a vampire or a mormon- all I know is he left after I threw garlic at him.

My tiny self with my tiny guitar on my tiny motorcycle, in a real-life forced perspective trick, living my best life. Bronco for scale.

I feel bad for Dick Van Dyke, younger generations will never know his name because it was practically designed in a lab to get auto-filtered in the comments.

Mitch McConnell should be celebrated for his moral character⁠⁠⁠⁠— selflessly retiring at 84, right as he’s entering his prime, to spend more time with his four kids: Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael.

Hmm? No. Though the sentence specifically is because of my neighbor in the background staring at me.

Welp. Time to move to a new country.

Drake: "With all that everyone has been saying about me in the real world, I found it easy to escape to the world of film."

The film:

I don't know who needs to hear this, but if your job involves making spicy videos in your bedroom please, I'm begging you, change the batteries on your smoke alarm first.

Citric Acid is great because I can use it on popsicles to make them taste good AND on my patio to remove oil paint stains

I'm a Ul developer and a comedian, so the number of layers to this make it both legitimately meaningful to me in a "don't take anything in life too seriously" way, and also possibly the funniest thing l've ever done in my life.

Yep! Without the comic sans I don't think it would, but it really ties the piece together

I was immediately upset after the idea for this new tattoo came to me- because it's so incredibly dumb, and so incredibly perfect that I knew I wasn't going to be able to talk myself out of it.

Gonna write a Creed parody song about coming to Jesus called "With Legs Wide Open"

If Andy Reid wins his third super bowl today, he and Riley will likely be considered the most successful father-daughter duo of all time. Both absolute legends of their respective fields.

If I had a nickel for every time I posted a video about a dick joke where the majority of viewers were women, I'd have two nickels

you might be cooking here

Programmer Brain: if it looks dumb, but it works...

Rewatched Logan Lucky last night and the scene where they have a prison riot because they think the warden is lying about Winds of Winter not being out is aging like George Clooney

It's a known law of the universe that any group of 5 white people in the same room who are dressed slightly differently will, at some point, compare themselves to The Breakfast Club

My brain went:
"Who the fuck thought bring back Rooster Teeth was a-"
"oh"
"OH!"
"Him! He the fuck! Let's hear him out."

Never in my life have I been happier to see a Tesla. I reacted to this shot like it was Captain America's shield.

As a millennial you'll have to bury me in my skinny jeans. Because I'm never giving them up, and it will be much easier than trying to remove them.

As a UI developer who isalso a bit of a perfectionist, a good 50% of my day is spent yelling the foulest obscenities imaginable at the same 10 pixels