Trump Announces U.S. Will Blockade Own Blockade of Iranian Blockade Before Iran Even Has a Chance to Blockade It
"If they try to blockade this one, there probably won't be enough room," the president explained. "Blockade-ception!"
My profound apologies for somehow missing "Madur-DOH!" and "More like Kha-BOOM-enei, amirite guys?" I will try to be better about this in the future
bsky.app/profile/elli...
Can't believe that coveted J.D. Vance stamp of approval didn't put him over the top
More like Viktor Or-GONE, send tweet
No, I have *not* heard of Barbra Streisand, and any suggestion that I have is clearly also a baseless rumor.
Hello, I have convened this White House news conference to deny the despicable rumors you probably first learned of during this White House news conference. Please don't Google them now. Thank you.
www.wlwt.com/article/mela...
Regime watchers are monitoring closely to determine whether we're up to photo #2 or photo #3 now.
First day of transition week: Hey, I have a new friend who loves doing the same things I do!
Last day of transition week: I'm going away, but don't worry, my old friend is staying!
First day of next week: Old Friend is here. Old Friend has always been here. You know what to do!
History students in a certain narrow age band will note that this is exactly how Nickelodeon managed the handover of power from Steve to Joe on Blue's Clues.
www.nytimes.com/2026/04/07/w...
Luckily, my brain already permanently exited my body the day I learned that Iran's military had been "90% decimated," so every statement from here on is just Stupid Gravy.
(If I'm doing my multiplication right, that would mean they're down by...9%?)
Impending seventh batch of "decisive" coming days will be "most decisive ones yet," secretary promises
www.cbsnews.com/news/pete-he...
President Shocked to Learn Allies He Insulted and Threatened for Years Don’t Want to Join War He Started Without Consulting Them
EVERYONE: [feeling as if a psychological burden they hadn't even realized they'd been carrying for years has finally, unaccountably been lifted]
ME: Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Fuck I really NEED that bro to stop by sometimes and put shit in perspective for me but I haven't found the quest that unlocks him yet
Ah yes, the proverbial "bones of feeling" that were described so eloquently by Sun Tzu
www.politico.com/news/2026/03...
I mean this is why they tell you to always double-check the AI's responses
Okay it turns out the ancient power the light being was harnessing was in fact the power of kindness, and it was charging over to hand you a delicious snack it made you because it thought you looked kinda down. So now you'll feel even more down about subtracting it from existence I guess, sorryyyy😜🙃
Turn your phone flashlight on, then use your free hand to cast a giant shadow puppet the exact same size and shape as the light being onto the light being. Light shape + dark shape = zero. Light being is NULLIFIED! Duh
You will no doubt be delighted to learn that the "we" that includes Donald Trump and not you is super stoked for higher gas prices
www.nbcnews.com/politics/don...
I feel like there was a time when the shareholders this society-wide stupidity pandemic is presumably intended to benefit preferred the companies they were invested in to make things that actually worked sometimes and people actually wanted to use, but maybe I dreamed that part
See also: every Windows update since Microsoft had the brilliant idea to enact this same plan, but have it rely on an unreliable product *they make and know is unreliable.* It's so weird how this hasn't ushered in a new utopia of low-cost reliability, it sounded so smart on paper
Step 1: Fire half your employees because AI can do it now
Step 2: Discover AI can't do it now and keeps breaking stuff those former employees kept working
Step 3: Resign because your decisions have harmed the business. Just kidding! Double the workload of your remaining employees
🎵 I said I'd make
a nice dessert for you
and bring a side dish, too
and it was all Jell-o
Hello, as you can see from my model-like physique, exquisite facial structure, bow-shaped lips, and GLASSES, I am a lonely, awkward social misfit who has given up on ever finding her chance at love.
It still has that new year smell, though.
Likewise, slightly late.
Looks like colonialism's back on the menu, boys
If you know so much about holiday gift cards, name three of their songs. Poser
Things not to say when the job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 10 years:
-Dancing on the grave of the capitalist order
-Still fuckin' like a champ
-Laid off from here for about eight years, statistically speaking
-Answering these questions, if you ask them any slower
And yet this may technically be the bravest thing Marco Rubio has ever done.